Getting me back.

So tomorrow is the 8th March. The date that’s been on everyone’s lips for a fair while now. The day all children come back to school. Regardless of my anxiety over Covid, I’m actually really looking forward to having my class back in front of me and just getting on with my job. The worry though, is that I won’t just be getting on with my job, because we’ve become obsessed with children now being somehow damaged and so far behind that they’ll be scarred for life. We underestimate children and young people! They are far, far more resilient that we give them credit for. Now don’t get me wrong, there are children who will have had a horrendous time at home. There are children who won’t have done any learning during this time. And there are those who will find this transition a challenging one. Don’t for a second think I’m saying that we shouldn’t recognise all of this and support these children. But there are many, many children who will be just fine. In fact, I predict that the majority will be ok, because they’ve been at home with parents or carers who have done their absolute best. My worry is that we will get so caught up assessing how far behind children are, that we’ll lose sight of what’s important and we’ll push more teachers (and maybe children) to the brink. Say we assess these kids and find they are behind, what difference does it make to our approach? As teachers we’ll still meet them where they’re at and we’ll still teach them to the best of our ability. That’s what we do.

Anyway, that’s my view on it all. On a personal note, the past few weeks have been an insane struggle. I flit between thinking ‘f**k it, I’m doing my best and that’ll have to be enough’ and then totally freaking out because, well, my best doesn’t feel like enough. I’ve had a couple of very dark days. It’s hard to know if it is my job or me, or perhaps a combination of the two. On the day that I was fantasing about having a car accident, just so I could stop everything, I realised that I wasn’t ok. I’d tried to tell a few people I wasn’t ok but the problem is that quite a lot of people are in the same place right now. Plus, I’m quite often not ok these days and I suspect it gets boring for those around me. So I called my doctor the next day and asked for help. She immediately tried to sign me off, which I flatly refused at that point, but talking things through without feeling guilty for burdening someone did help. I don’t know what the next step is for me but I’m talking to her again next week and I’ll go from there.

In the meantime, my strategy is this: Put me first (well kind of – as much as I can). I have to go back to prioritising running, lifting weights, horses, fun, friends, walks, bonfires, star gazing, reading, sleeping and all the other things that make me feel good. I have to do it or I will go under. This is a fact. I’m trying hard to change my mindset but my mood varies enormously from day to day. I suspect that might be to do with being a woman of a certain age, but I’ll save that discussion for another time. I have some bloomin wonderful people in my life, who lift me so well, so I kind of owe it to them to get the old me back, so that I can be a fun person to be around.

So that’s my mission, to get me back. The real me. Not the stressed, tired, grumpy me, who cries all the time and wakes in the night thinking she’s having a heart attack. I may not have picked the best week to decide this, but honestly, it can’t wait. I can’t wait.

I’m having a confidence crisis…

At the end of another really hard week, I find myself at a low point. My school has had to close for 10 days to all but the children of critical workers. This is because we now have so many staff members off with Covid. It feels like a waiting game and the question now seems to be ‘when’ not ‘if’ I get Covid. This leaves me in a constant state of anxiety.

On top of that I have come to the realisation that I’m pretty useless at most things and the icing on my very gloomy cake is that I can’t bear to look at myself in the mirror. I realise I’m off to a very negative start with this week’s blog but I’m afraid this is where I am right now.

It’s come to my attention that I work with an incredibly talented bunch of people. There are the creative ones, the artistic ones and the ones that do awesome story voices. There are the super fit ones, the ones that can sing beautifully and the ones that are excellent at maths. I could go on but you get the gist. And then there’s me. I’m pretty useless at all of the above and it’s starting to get to me. I have imposter syndrome. I don’t belong here and I shouldn’t be doing this job.

I’m the PE Coordinator at school and today I filmed myself doing a workout video for school. Not only was it pretty rubbish and probably uninteresting for the kids, I was pained to see my middle aged, white, flabby body leaping around. The truth is I don’t feel qualified to be the person that inspires these kids to workout. There are younger, fitter and far easier on the eye, members who staff who should be doing this and truth be told, I feel a bit of an embarassment.

I’m also epically failing at home. My house is a dump, my husband does the washing and way more of the chores than I do, I’m useless at cooking and my kids are rude, spoilt and not getting their home learning done. I can see the mess around me and the chaos but I’m so damn tired the whole time… or I’m working.

This isn’t meant to be a ‘poor me’ post, but I am not in the best place and I needed to get it down in words. I look in the mirror and don’t recognise the lined face staring back at me. I’ve lost who I thought I was and I’m realising I’m pretty dull. So I’ve got to do something to get my spark back. I can’t suddenly become talented at things that I’m not good at, I do know that, it’s why I’ve always worked so hard. That has to be my thing- my determination. Therefore my challenge is to get out of this negative state of mind and stop myself from spiralling further to a place that scares me. This has to start with taking care of myself because quite frankly, I feel broken. This week I am setting myself just three daily targets. To set more will be overwhelming and unachievable. Here they are:

Drink 2 litres of water a day
Walk 10,000 steps a day
Eat protein and fruit or veg with every meal or snack

None of these are going to make me a better singer or artist but feeling hydrated might stop the sluggishness that has taken over my body. It might make me think twice before reaching for sugar to boost my energy and eventually it might help my liney, blemished skin to sort it’s shit out. Walking will boost my brain and release endorphins to help me conquer this negative funk. I’m also hoping that it’ll burn off some boob fat but that might be wishful thinking! Finally the protein will help to build and repair muscle and keep me feeling full, and the fuit and veg, well… I don’t actually need to explain that one.

I have to do something to take action because feeling this negatively about yourself is a slippery slope that I don’t want my two girls to watch me slide down. So that’s that. Week 1 of self improvement. Bring. It. On.

The worst start to any year.

I’m sure that this is the worst start to any year for many of us, but boy am I finding this tough. Every time I think it’s surely going to get easier, s**t just gets harder.

I can’t really talk about why this week has been so horrendous. To be honest with you, I’ve already said too much about the school situation last week and the last thing I need is to get myself into more trouble. I found myself in a really unpleasant situation at work and on Tuesday evening I came home and crumbled. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep and the pain in my chest was insane. I told my husband I coudn’t do it anymore. But then something happened. One by one people messaged me in support. A situation that I didn’t think was salvageable showed me just how much I’m backed and supported by my colleagues. I went from feeling terribly hurt to realising that my situation was not as I’d thought. I know this all sounds cryptic but it’s the best I can do right now.

So somehow, utterly exhausted, I picked myself back up and cracked on. I’d be lying if I said I enjoyed teaching this week. I didn’t. At all. However, I made it to Friday and finally was able to relax a bit.

After months of discomfort in my stomach, I had an ultrasound scan at the hospital. It was all clear and nothing sinister was seen. This was a relief and something to tick off my worry list. I’m sure it’ll be replaced by something else soon, but for now I’m reassured. I can only think that the stomach issues are either caused by stress or food or alcohol or caffeine… or all of them.

On Wednesday I managed to get back to working out and after a few weights sessions, I already feel lifted and stronger. Exercise really is crucial for my mindset. I think that’s why I’m so afraid of Covid. I’m terrified of not being able to workout. I know where that puts me mentally.

The weekend has been a mixture of country walks, horses, a bit of work, take aways and more wine and TV. I’m alright. I’m trying to look at each day, rather than the bigger picture and weeks of this. That’s too mind boggling and too hard.

So that’s it. My week. I’m still ready to quit teaching and set up a campsite/beach bar/ horse riding retreat, but I’ll teach for another week, try not to catch Covid and see how that goes.

I was done…but now I’m not

So I was done with the blog this time. Definitely done. I have little time and I really struggle with having to hold back and not be totally honest, for fear of what might happen. But you know what? I’m not that great at the moment. I’m not really that ok. And actually saying it here helps. Even if not a single soul reads this, that’s fine, because my hope is that as the words pour out of my head, it might start to take away some of the constant pounding. Or it might stop this horrible racing feeling in my chest, that makes me feel like my heart may just explode (and not in a good way) at any second. So there we go. I’m back.

As a primary school teacher, this week has been one of the hardest on record. It started with me somehow agreeing to become our school’s union rep, despite me really not actually wanting to do it. In some ways I thought I’d be a good person for the job because I stand up for what I believe in and am pretty good at fighting battles for others. But actually this sort of role isn’t good for someone who is pretty anxious, over analyses every conversation and gets too emotionally involved with most things in life. Without going into huge amounts of detail, many teachers wrote to their headteachers saying that they were unprepared to work in full classes in the current situation. I was one of those teachers. I agonised over it for days and realised that I was going to feel guilt regardless of the decision I made. I won’t discuss decisions made by others but I was not alone at all, and that was incredibly reassuring. The decision was made because I don’t want to catch covid. There I said it. I’m scared of catching it. I’m scared that I might be one of the ones who isn’t ok and I have two children who need me. If it wasn’t for them I may well feel quite differently. If I’m honest there have been points where if it wasn’t for my family, I’d wish I wasn’t here some days because I am so overwhelmed by everything. As well as not wanting to catch it myself, I desperately don’t want to pass it on to those around me who may be at risk, particularly my mum. Keeping the families of the children I teach safe was another reason for my decision. The situation in schools was getting out of control and something had to be done. So teachers took action and I’m very proud of my profession for doing so.

After a horrendous weekend agonising over it all, good old BoJo u-turned and closed schools anyway. Super. Except they’re not closed are they?! Schools (rightly so) are open to the children of key workers and for children who are vulnerable. This is absolutely as it should be. Except again, that doesn’t really tell the whole story. Schools are actually open to pretty much anyone who wants their child to be in school. Now I am of course exaggerating a little, but basically under the guidance issued there are many, many people who can now have a school place. This is not just the children where parents have no other option, or children who are at risk if they stay home. It is basically anyone who is struggling. Well I’m pretty sure anyone who had to do the hellish job of home schooling last time, struggled. I am strugging. We all are. But I will not send my children into school, even though they are entitled to a place, because I want schools to remain safe and stay open for those who truly need it. I also want to protect my colleagues. I’m made to feel guilty for saying this, as if I don’t care about the children and their families. This frustrates me enormously because it is precisely that reason I feel this way. I do care. Very much! I want them to be safe, and right now for the vast majority of children and certainly for the rest of our communities, home is the safest place to be.

I say all of this for the millionth time because I was raised to stand up for what I believe in. I don’t accept that if you feel strongly about something, you should just roll over and accept it. Yes I’m opinionated. Yes I’m sometimes wrong. But I would rather voice my opinions and stand up for what I believe to be right, than go to bed every night having kept quiet about things I know are important. It isn’t who I am.

Anyway, I did say on social media that I’d stop my ranting over this because I start to annoy people and I make myself have that heart attack feeling again. So I worked incredibly hard this week to learn how to upload lessons online and give feedback. I made phonecalls to families who needed it and tried to support as best I could. After that, I tried to support my own children with their learning. Yep, working with your own kids is still hellish. I cried every day. Usually more than once.

However, there are positives to be taken from this situation, as there so often are. I feel truly supported by many, many people around me. I feel part of a strong team and unlike so many others right now, I never feel lonely. For this, I am so very grateful. We have been lucky enough to continue looking after the horse we loan, which has brought such joy to my eldest daughter and a welcome escape for me. Again I am reminded of the importance of getting outside and moving your body. It makes me feel strong and alive and it reminds me that there are reasons to keep going.

I haven’t cried at all this weekend. I have still ranted but I have also laughed and stayed up late watching ‘Lucifer,’ drinking red wine and eating bombay mix. I do feel a little broken. My head and chest hurt again now that it’s Sunday. But I am also reminded of all the reasons why I have to keep going and tomorrow I will go into school, paint on a smile and teach those children to the best of my ability. Because after all, they are what’s important and that is what teachers do.

The parts of lockdown I want to hang on to.

I’ve ummed and ahhhed about whether to stop this blog. I’m not too sure what purpose it serves or who it’s for. So I’m going to have a go at writing just for me and see how we go.

As we ease out of lockdown I’ve started to really think about the things I want to continue. I’ve actually felt pretty anxious about coming out the other side of it, not just because I’m unsure about whether we’re ready, but also because when you have no option but to be at home, there’s no pressure to do anything. I’m lucky that my little isolated bubble felt safe. Sure, I missed people but actually there is a lot I didn’t miss.

So I’ve compiled a list, because I love a list. This is a list of the positive things to come out of lockdown, the things to hang on to.

Family meals. Sitting together around the table or in the garden, for lunch and dinner every day.
Conversations with my husband. Having the time to stay up and talk to each other.
Not always having loads planned in each day.
Fires in the evening…even on weekdays.
Every day including good things, not just the weekdays.
Sitting in the garden.
Reading.
Exploring the countryside on walks.
Walking and cycling – only driving if necessary.
Keeping in touch with family and friends but not having to have a ridiculously busy social life.
Realising what I’m passionate about – horses (amongst other things) and realising what I still can’t stand (cleaning and housework).
Realising my flaws and accepting I need to change to be a better person.
Slowing down, having the time to breathe and think.

This is my personal list and I’ve learnt a lot about myself over the past few months. But I think that we all have to see this as an opportunity to change. A warning actually, that we must change. That the planet needs us to live our lives differently and stand up for what is right. I don’t want to go back to life before all of this, I want to seize the opportunity to make things better!

Resilience Part 2

landscape photography green grass field beside dark foggy forest during golden hour — Photo by Ivars on Pexels.com

Unfortunately it didn’t take long before I started to crumble. That’s the thing with my job, you think you’re tough enough, but if like me, you’re actually not, it can send you spiralling. Fortunately I can say this now because I’ve saved myself. The great thing is that it is my daily exercise for RED January and Mind that has been my saviour.

The week started well with a productive Monday and good gym session but on Tuesday I woke up with disgusting red patches all over my chin. Impetigo. It’s an occupational hazard. I’m the master of catching disgusting skin conditions and this was not my first impetigo rodeo. But it was incredibly poor timing. So I had to adapt many of my plans and once again think about vain I actually am. I hated facing anyone with my face looking so gross and just wanted to hibernate. On Wednesday I did. I didn’t go to work as it’s incredibly contagious and that’s what I was advised to do. By Wednesday evening I was feeling enormously guilty and it became clear that I was expected to be at work. For someone like me this causes enormous anxiety. I hate missing work and the feeling that people might be cross with me was too much and I struggled to sleep.

So on Thursday I went to work with raging PMT, a disgusting crusty red face and very little sleep. It took one person to ask how I was and comment that I looked tired before I cried. I unravel quite quickly and hate that I often show how close to the edge I am. I spent the day hating my job and feeling shaky.

However, by Friday I was starting to care less about my face and was reminded why I do absolutely love my job. We had Art Day all day and I had the most wonderful, relaxing day with my class, who were just awesome. As I ran the Daily Mile with my class, one little boy, who always hold my hand commented that he knew why I was running so slowly. I looked down at my boots and smiled, “Ahh is it because I’m not wearing my trainers today?” I asked. He looked puzzled and replied, “No, it’s because you’re really old!” He couldn’t understand why I laughed out loud but looked very pleased with the reaction he got. Kids are brilliant.

All week I’ve continued with my daily activity. I’m pretty active anyway, but this has been really good for those days when I’m stuck in the classroom and get home late. Having to do something active, even if it’s just a dog walk round the block in the dark, has been a massive de-stressor. Today’s run in the beautiful winter sun after a frosty morning dog walk has really lifted me and I feel (just about) ready to take on the week ahead.

So, resilience….I don’t have enough yet, but I reckon that staying active is the key to a healthy mind, so I’m feeling optimistic

Resilience

Last week was long and tough. After 2 blissful weeks off, I came crashing back to reality with a bump. We have a new headteacher at work, so we had two days of INSET before the kids came back on Wednesday. I feel reinvigorated and motivated to teach after quite a long time of feeling pretty fed up with it. It doesn’t mean it’s going to get any easier, but the INSET gave me a few little reminders of why I chose to teach.

At home however I felt more at a loss. Both of my children’s teachers have set them the target of practising and learning their times tables. I feel pretty crap that I’m a primary school teacher and have basically failed to teach my kids quite a lot of crucial things. Anyway, this week I set about trying to get them to practise. My goodness what trauma! At one point we sat with both girls wailing at the table that they couldn’t/wouldn’t do it. My eldest (generally calmer) daughter was absolutely hysterical. She just lost her shit totally. Neither really knows their times tables, despite insisting they do and so both just cried every time they couldn’t do it. Which was often.

So all this got me thinking about resilience. We often talk at school about teaching children to be more resilient and I’m becoming increasingly aware that my own children are absolutely not. And they are absolutely not because neither am I! My girls can’t stand to fail, despite me repeatedly saying that that’s how we learn and that failure is actually important. The thing is, I don’t think I’m very good at it either. I’m incredibly over-sensitive and go to pieces when things don’t go my way. Not really the best example to set. So I guess the challenge in our house is to all toughen up a bit, become more resilient.

Another conversation that my husband and I have had after me having more behaviour training at work, was how we handle our youngest daughter. We continue to be very inconsistent in managing her behaviour, despite our expectations being fairly similar. The behaviour training reinforced what I already knew and what I believe in. That remaining calm to diffuse a situation is best. Understanding that the behaviour is usually triggered by something. Rewarding the good and being consistent in expectations and methods. Anyway, we’ve had this conversation many times and probably my hubby will continue to yell and I’ll continue to be seen to be too soft and let her get away with too much. I’d imagine it’ll continue to be a tricky one.

Finally my focus has been on daily activity for RED January. The idea is that you make the effort to get active every day, to raise money and awareness for Mind. Despite a really busy week, I’ve managed dog walks, runs, yoga, the gym and kettlebells every day so far. Not a bad start…we’ll see what this week holds.

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New Year

lighthouse under gray clouds — Photo by Ray Bilcliff on Pexels.com

I’ve left it so long to write that I don’t really know where to start. I guess I’ll start with the start of the year…

We spent new year in Fife, Scotland, where my brother lives. It’s a beautiful part of the world and I fall in love with it a little more each time we visit. On new year’s eve we visited Tentsmuir. The sky was completely clear and the landscape stunning. A great expanse of blue met the sea and we walked along the vast and breath taking beach. Eventually we found our way into tall pine trees and walked back through magical forest. My cheeks were pink and my eyes almost hurt from the bright beauty of the winter sun. Places like that just speak to me and settle my soul in a way that nowhere else does, it’s quite overwhelming. It’s an odd feeling because although I love sharing it with my family, I have moments where I try to hang back so I can take it all in on my own.

New year’s day the crystal clear sky had gone and the weather was far more bleak, I’m just hoping it wasn’t indicative of what’s to come this year! The walk along Burtisland was cold and windswept. Still, we all felt better for it, as you always do! We then headed to Silver Sands, Aberdour, a beautiful beach and a haven for dog walkers. We ate cheesy chips outside and marvelled at people brave enough for a new year’s day dip in the sea.

I’m attempting to do RED January. The idea being that you make sure you are active every day of January to raise money and awareness for Mind. So far I’ve done 2 windswept beach walks, a kettlebells workout (that took a long time to prepare for since I couldn’t actually get my sports bra done up), a run and a gym session. I’m going to try really hard to increase my daily movement and not just focus on half an hour or an hour working out each day. I’m also going to try to get outside more. It’s so bloomin’ good for you! Physically and mentally!

My resolutions are to cook the vast majority of meals from scratch, to somehow limit my phone time and to stop using my credit card. I know new year’s resolutions are a load of crap but I’m a big believer in having goals and these three are important right now. I’ll keep you posted on how I get on but so far, as predicted, the phone one is proving to be the trickiest.

I’ll leave it there for now. I’m back to work tomorrow after what has felt like a proper break. I really switched off from teaching and it did me the world of good. We’ll see what next week brings…

Mind Over Muscle

I went to see Ant Middleton on his ‘Mind Over Muscle’ tour a few months ago, but didn’t have any idea how relevant it would be for me. November has been tough. Really, really tough. It wasn’t one thing in particular but the combination of a variety of things. My job has been incredibly stressful and the pressure felt immense. My youngest child’s behaviour has continued to deteriorate and I’ve just felt at a loss. She’s now been referred to CAMHs (child and adolescent mental health services). Every day is a struggle at the moment. Our house is on the market but hasn’t sold – we’re in limbo and it’s not nice. Other family stuff has weighed on my mind too. I could go on. It just felt like I was sinking in s**t.

I work incredibly hard to remain physically fit but quite frankly this was useless to me because I was not mentally resilient. I drove home one day a few weeks ago and wondered what would happen if I crashed my car. Maybe I’d be injured enough that I wouldn’t have to go to work?! For a split second it seemed appealing. So by the time I got home I knew that I wasn’t ok. I was unravelling. A few days later I went to the doctor with my concerns about my youngest daughter but she saw through me and suggested that perhaps I wasn’t ok. I wasn’t.

Thanks to wonderful people around me and a much needed boost at work, I feel like I’ve turned a corner. But exercise and healthy food have fallen by the wayside. I had so much I wanted to talk about in this blog – funny stuff, not just this. But I’m tired. Really, really tired. So December is my opportunity to get back on the healthy wagon, but that also means looking after my mental wellbeing and not just my physical one. It’s been really apparent that I wasn’t resilient enough or prepared for when things were difficult and actually in the grand scheme of things, I wasn’t dealing with anything awful. It was just the stress of being a teacher and a mother. Those are difficulties I will continue to face, so I need to get mentally tough.

I’m a work in progress but I am also pretty determined when I set my mind to something. It’s so important to me that I set a good example to my children. I cannot crumble because they need me. So I’m rolling up my sleeves ready to take on December!

Gaining Perspective

Halfway through the week we had a bit of a fright. My youngest daughter mentioned that she’d spiked her hand and ‘it might’ve been on a needle.’ When I heard those words, I had that odd feeling where your stomach sinks and you think you might throw up. Now what happened is not relevant to my story, but to cut a long story short, we think my daughter is fine and it looks extremely unlikely that it was a needle that she spiked herself on. Unfortunately, because there was a very small risk, she had to have blood tests for HIV, Hepatitis B and C. She also had to have an injection for Hepatitis and will need one monthly for the next few months and then have further blood tests. She’ll then need another injection in a year. She was pretty upset by the whole experience to be honest. So was I. Here is where I gained perspective – I’d come home from work that day feeling like a failure and questioning, for the millionth time, whether I’m in the right profession. I was also stressing because our house hasn’t sold, because I had work to do, because I was knackered and had no time to exercise – the usual stuff. In a matter of seconds none of that mattered. None of it. The only thing that mattered was that my girl was ok and as I sat with her at the hospital, I thought of all the parents who have to do this every day, the parents of children who are really sick. My daughter was scared, tired and upset and it hurt my heart but I knew she was probably ok. It must be unbelievably tough to watch your child suffer and be completely helpless. It made me feel incredibly grateful. It also made me realise that all of that stuff I’d been stressing about really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. My children and my family are what matters above all else. So I guess a pretty unpleasant evening gave me some much needed clarity.

I’ve struggled at work this week. I’ve been lucky enough not to have to deal with challenging behaviour for the past two years and so I feel like I’ve been thrown back in the deep end. I feel enormously drained and frustrated at having to manage behaviour over teaching. I come home feeling like I’m failing the rest of my class and actually failing these tricky children too. It’s tough.

Out of work I’m feeling optimistic about future plans. Despite having very little interest in our house, we are starting to formulate a plan for the future that excites me. I won’t divulge much now but I’m hoping that some of the things I’ve always dreamed of might not be too far from my grasp.

After resting following my root canal, I took the dog for a glorious 3 mile run yesterday. We went in the late afternoon sunshine and as we tore through the trees, music blasting in my ears, I felt I might’ve turned a corner. Today I went back to the gym, which was awesome. I did a back and shoulder workout that resulted in sweat pouring down my face and body. It felt bloomin good.

So it’s been a mixed week. The weekdays are tough but I’m still hanging on to my weekends and resisting work. It means I feel I’ve had a break, which is needed. I’m also feeling excited about future plans…but that’s another story for another day.