Resilience Part 2

landscape photography green grass field beside dark foggy forest during golden hour — Photo by Ivars on Pexels.com

Unfortunately it didn’t take long before I started to crumble. That’s the thing with my job, you think you’re tough enough, but if like me, you’re actually not, it can send you spiralling. Fortunately I can say this now because I’ve saved myself. The great thing is that it is my daily exercise for RED January and Mind that has been my saviour.

The week started well with a productive Monday and good gym session but on Tuesday I woke up with disgusting red patches all over my chin. Impetigo. It’s an occupational hazard. I’m the master of catching disgusting skin conditions and this was not my first impetigo rodeo. But it was incredibly poor timing. So I had to adapt many of my plans and once again think about vain I actually am. I hated facing anyone with my face looking so gross and just wanted to hibernate. On Wednesday I did. I didn’t go to work as it’s incredibly contagious and that’s what I was advised to do. By Wednesday evening I was feeling enormously guilty and it became clear that I was expected to be at work. For someone like me this causes enormous anxiety. I hate missing work and the feeling that people might be cross with me was too much and I struggled to sleep.

So on Thursday I went to work with raging PMT, a disgusting crusty red face and very little sleep. It took one person to ask how I was and comment that I looked tired before I cried. I unravel quite quickly and hate that I often show how close to the edge I am. I spent the day hating my job and feeling shaky.

However, by Friday I was starting to care less about my face and was reminded why I do absolutely love my job. We had Art Day all day and I had the most wonderful, relaxing day with my class, who were just awesome. As I ran the Daily Mile with my class, one little boy, who always hold my hand commented that he knew why I was running so slowly. I looked down at my boots and smiled, “Ahh is it because I’m not wearing my trainers today?” I asked. He looked puzzled and replied, “No, it’s because you’re really old!” He couldn’t understand why I laughed out loud but looked very pleased with the reaction he got. Kids are brilliant.

All week I’ve continued with my daily activity. I’m pretty active anyway, but this has been really good for those days when I’m stuck in the classroom and get home late. Having to do something active, even if it’s just a dog walk round the block in the dark, has been a massive de-stressor. Today’s run in the beautiful winter sun after a frosty morning dog walk has really lifted me and I feel (just about) ready to take on the week ahead.

So, resilience….I don’t have enough yet, but I reckon that staying active is the key to a healthy mind, so I’m feeling optimistic

Resilience

Last week was long and tough. After 2 blissful weeks off, I came crashing back to reality with a bump. We have a new headteacher at work, so we had two days of INSET before the kids came back on Wednesday. I feel reinvigorated and motivated to teach after quite a long time of feeling pretty fed up with it. It doesn’t mean it’s going to get any easier, but the INSET gave me a few little reminders of why I chose to teach.

At home however I felt more at a loss. Both of my children’s teachers have set them the target of practising and learning their times tables. I feel pretty crap that I’m a primary school teacher and have basically failed to teach my kids quite a lot of crucial things. Anyway, this week I set about trying to get them to practise. My goodness what trauma! At one point we sat with both girls wailing at the table that they couldn’t/wouldn’t do it. My eldest (generally calmer) daughter was absolutely hysterical. She just lost her shit totally. Neither really knows their times tables, despite insisting they do and so both just cried every time they couldn’t do it. Which was often.

So all this got me thinking about resilience. We often talk at school about teaching children to be more resilient and I’m becoming increasingly aware that my own children are absolutely not. And they are absolutely not because neither am I! My girls can’t stand to fail, despite me repeatedly saying that that’s how we learn and that failure is actually important. The thing is, I don’t think I’m very good at it either. I’m incredibly over-sensitive and go to pieces when things don’t go my way. Not really the best example to set. So I guess the challenge in our house is to all toughen up a bit, become more resilient.

Another conversation that my husband and I have had after me having more behaviour training at work, was how we handle our youngest daughter. We continue to be very inconsistent in managing her behaviour, despite our expectations being fairly similar. The behaviour training reinforced what I already knew and what I believe in. That remaining calm to diffuse a situation is best. Understanding that the behaviour is usually triggered by something. Rewarding the good and being consistent in expectations and methods. Anyway, we’ve had this conversation many times and probably my hubby will continue to yell and I’ll continue to be seen to be too soft and let her get away with too much. I’d imagine it’ll continue to be a tricky one.

Finally my focus has been on daily activity for RED January. The idea is that you make the effort to get active every day, to raise money and awareness for Mind. Despite a really busy week, I’ve managed dog walks, runs, yoga, the gym and kettlebells every day so far. Not a bad start…we’ll see what this week holds.

IMG_20200106_202539_189

Gaining Perspective

Halfway through the week we had a bit of a fright. My youngest daughter mentioned that she’d spiked her hand and ‘it might’ve been on a needle.’ When I heard those words, I had that odd feeling where your stomach sinks and you think you might throw up. Now what happened is not relevant to my story, but to cut a long story short, we think my daughter is fine and it looks extremely unlikely that it was a needle that she spiked herself on. Unfortunately, because there was a very small risk, she had to have blood tests for HIV, Hepatitis B and C. She also had to have an injection for Hepatitis and will need one monthly for the next few months and then have further blood tests. She’ll then need another injection in a year. She was pretty upset by the whole experience to be honest. So was I. Here is where I gained perspective – I’d come home from work that day feeling like a failure and questioning, for the millionth time, whether I’m in the right profession. I was also stressing because our house hasn’t sold, because I had work to do, because I was knackered and had no time to exercise – the usual stuff. In a matter of seconds none of that mattered. None of it. The only thing that mattered was that my girl was ok and as I sat with her at the hospital, I thought of all the parents who have to do this every day, the parents of children who are really sick. My daughter was scared, tired and upset and it hurt my heart but I knew she was probably ok. It must be unbelievably tough to watch your child suffer and be completely helpless. It made me feel incredibly grateful. It also made me realise that all of that stuff I’d been stressing about really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. My children and my family are what matters above all else. So I guess a pretty unpleasant evening gave me some much needed clarity.

I’ve struggled at work this week. I’ve been lucky enough not to have to deal with challenging behaviour for the past two years and so I feel like I’ve been thrown back in the deep end. I feel enormously drained and frustrated at having to manage behaviour over teaching. I come home feeling like I’m failing the rest of my class and actually failing these tricky children too. It’s tough.

Out of work I’m feeling optimistic about future plans. Despite having very little interest in our house, we are starting to formulate a plan for the future that excites me. I won’t divulge much now but I’m hoping that some of the things I’ve always dreamed of might not be too far from my grasp.

After resting following my root canal, I took the dog for a glorious 3 mile run yesterday. We went in the late afternoon sunshine and as we tore through the trees, music blasting in my ears, I felt I might’ve turned a corner. Today I went back to the gym, which was awesome. I did a back and shoulder workout that resulted in sweat pouring down my face and body. It felt bloomin good.

So it’s been a mixed week. The weekdays are tough but I’m still hanging on to my weekends and resisting work. It means I feel I’ve had a break, which is needed. I’m also feeling excited about future plans…but that’s another story for another day.

Croatia Days 14 – 21

Tomorrow is our last day in Croatia and whilst I love it here, I’d have my doubts about doing 10 days just the four of us again. I actually had my doubts about this last part of our trip before we came away, because I know that no matter how beautiful the surroundings, it can feel pretty claustrophobic when it’s just us. I also know how tricky our youngest child is and there was no reason she’d change just because we are away. I was right. She didn’t change.

Anyway, we’ve visited one of our favourite places, Solaris, several times. I feel a bit embarrassed to love it so much because it’s a resort, but it’s easy with the kids and the beaches are beautiful there. Solaris is on the outskirts of Sibenik and has actually changed quite a lot over the past few years. The changes this time were a surprise, as they had removed the cheesy pirate ship nightclub that we secretly all loved. I welcomed some new posh toilets but the children were gutted not to be able to steer the ship.

We’ve also visited Banj beach in Sibenik a couple of times, which is a nice city beach that we’ve never been to before. Last night we swam in the early evening and then walked along to Sibenik old town for dinner. I’ve got a real soft spot for Sibenik , there is something about the atmosphere that I adore. I love walking along the harbour choosing boats and exploring the old town never gets dull. What was apparent last night, was that my fitness has seriously declined! I really struggled with climbing all of the stairs and felt pretty light-headed at the top. Admittedly the large glass of red I’d downed on an empty stomach didn’t help, but still I feel motivated to get fit again when I get home. We had a lovely dinner in the evening warmth and I felt a pang as we walked back to the car. I’m actually ready to go home for once, but I will miss the sea so much and the thought of work makes my stomach churn.

Another place we visited is Roski Slap. Roski Slap is possibly my favourite place in Croatia. It is breathtakingly stunning. Roški slap is made up of a 22.5 m high main waterfall and countless backwaters and cascades. Roški slap is situated about 36 km downstream of the Krka River spring. After completing the beautiful little walk there, you can swim in a cordoned off part of the river and sit under some of the smaller waterfalls. We also climbed the 517 wooden steps to the cave and were very excited to see bats. There is something totally tranquil about Roski Slap, like you’ve escaped the rest of the world, and it’s pretty rare that I feel like that.

We also once again visited Skradinski Buk, the big waterfall at Krka. The 800m-long cascade descends by almost 46m before crashing into the lower lake, which is a popular swimming spot. Also very beautiful but too busy for me. It seems to get busier each year and this year was absolutely heaving. There is no dignified way to get into the water here and slipping and scrambling across the rocks is the only way to get across them. I came away with a few scrapes and knocks as I usually do. I also had a pretty hairy moment with E, where it became clear that the current was too strong for her. I swam with her on my back to get to the buoys but she was losing her swim shoe and so was distracted. I ended up taking a huge lungful of water and also almost lost a contact lens, clinging on to my precious girl!

We had a night out in Split but again the girls were quite tricky and probably over-tired. Split at night is fantastic and we did have a little drink and dance inside the square at the Diocletian’s Palace. It would have been nice to stay out longer but moaning children meant we cut the night short. The upshot of an earlier night was that we enjoyed a walk around the following morning without a hangover.

These past 10 days I’ve been swimming, slept a lot, sunbathed, eaten a ridiculous amount, had a fair bit to drink and contemplated life. I’d like to take the sea and sunshine home but I’m ready to go home. I miss my friends, I miss exercise and unbelievably, I miss the dog!!! Tomorrow is our last beach day and I plan to enjoy every second. Croatia…until the next time…

Day 3 and 4 – Prague and Karlstejn Castle

These two days were sweltering. I love hot weather but this was the sort of weather where sweat sits on your upper lip and permanently trickles down your back. This is NOT sightseeing weather.
We drove into Prague the day after we arrived in Karlstejn. We thought M might need her eyes tested after she insisted she’d seen a camel on the way! Prague is way bigger than we’d realised and quite spectacular. We’d need a lot more time to explore it properly but to be honest the children are still a little young for days of sightseeing. We walked 8 miles through Prague, visiting some of the main tourist spots – Wenceslas Square, The Charles Bridge and Prague Castle above it.
The Charles Bridge crosses the Vltava River and is named after King Charles IV. It was absolutely heaving with tourists, weaving in and out of musicians busking and stalls selling all sorts of things. We met my brother and his soon to be wife at the end of the bridge and enjoyed a lovely lunch with them before climbing the many steps up to the castle. Prague Castle is a castle complex dating back to the 9th century. The castle was a seat of power for kings of Bohemia, Roman Emperors and presidents of Czechoslovakia. The castle is spectacular itself but also provides beautiful, sprawling views across the city.

The next day we walked up the road to Karlstejn Castle. We had a superb tour guide with a dry sense of humour, who taught us about the history of the castle and surrounding area. He led us up many flights of stairs to the top of the tower, so high it made my legs shake. Karlstejn Castle is phenomenal. It is a large Gothic castle founded by Charles IV in 1348. It sits at the top of a hill in amongst the trees, so that from the road it isn’t visible. When you walk up the road it suddenly appears and takes your breath away as you round the corner. It’s the stuff of fairy tales and legends and we had a brilliant morning there.
Walking back we yet again questioned the girls’ eyesight, as E was convinced she’d seen a kangaroo and M was certain she saw a lion. Maybe this place really is magical?!
As we crossed the river I asked S if we could go out on his uncle’s boat when we are in Croatia. I thought maybe we could visit one of the islands (yes I did watch Mama Mia recently). Eva piped up that’d she’d love to do that as she’d always wanted to visit Ireland! She then asked if perhaps we could sail to the Maldives. I must get this girl to look at an atlas at some point.
In the evening we met my mum and grandma at their campsite on the outskirts of Prague. We had a wonderful time swimming in the lake and then all had dinner together, discussing my brother’s impending wedding.

architecture bridge building structures castle — Photo by JÉSHOOTS on Pexels.com

Prague is a magnificent city and I definitely hope to visit again in the future.

Day 2: Journey to Karlstejn

After a very hot and sticky night, we woke to the youngest child having reverted back to her usual self. “Who is your favourite person?” she asked us all this morning. Before any of us could respond, she informed us all that SHE was her favourite person. No great surprise there then.

We packed the car and set off to find breakfast. I was sure I could eat something healthy, perhaps some fruit or something protein laden. We stopped at a service station and found croissants, pain au chocolat and breadsticks dipped in Nutella. Healthy breakfast fail. After also failing to get coffee from a machine due to some complicated ticket system that I didn’t understand, we finally got our caffeine fix at the next services and set off for the Czech Republic.

Again the journey was fairly uneventful, other than a van engulfed in flames on the other side of the motorway in Germany! We played our usual games…holding our breath through tunnels (to the point that I always worry the driver might pass out) and M’s choice, ‘the link game’. The link game is basically word association but is quite stressful with our smallest girl, especially as she always seems to follow my hubby, who makes fairly obscure links. I spend most of my time with 4 and 5 year olds, so know how to play with children in mind. We tried to change the direction of play to help M, but an argument ensued as to who was starting the game. Eventually M lost the plot and then screamed at her sister, “Mummy says not to talk to me when I’m angry.” I did indeed say this but it’s kind of backfired on me, as most of my strategies with this child do.

The other challenge with service stations on this journey, is my eldest child’s absolute fear of a) getting locked in a toilet b) a self-flushing toilet flushing on her. To be fair, both of these things have happened to her in the past so the trauma is real. It just makes every toilet stop complicated and drawn out.

Anyway, after driving most of the day through Germany, we eventually entered the Czech Republic. The road to Karlstejn was small and windy and I could see the dubious looks from my hubby out of the corner of my eye. We drove through beautiful forest and I was uncharacteristically optimistic. I was right to be so, as this place is gorgeous. It’s a small town on the river, surrounded by tree covered hills. A railway runs through it but Karlstejn is remarkably quiet. We went and paddled in the river before watching a hot air balloon take off from the field next us.

This evening we ate dinner outside at our hotel and tried to tell the children how lucky they are to be able to travel. We sat in the dark and talked about how important these trips are to us. I feel relaxed. This is rare. Day 2 – another success.

Day 1: Journey to Cologne

We are just settling down to bed in our stunningly hot and sweaty room in the youth hostel in Cologne, Germany. My eldest daughter has just asked if we might die in this room tonight! I mean it stinks of sweaty feet, but I’m really hoping to make it through the night.

We set off first thing this morning and the journey was worryingly uneventful, other than the usual amusing comments from the girls. Initially E thought that she’d spotted the Disneyland palace on the way to Dover but it turned out just to be a church. My hubby had the bright idea that double decker motorways should be invented (he’ll no doubt now be googling if this is an actual thing) and then E became very confused about how long it would take to get to Dover. She felt very strongly that an hour and a half was exactly the same time as half an hour (note to self – do some work on time with my almost 9 year old child).

A Taylor Swift/Katy Perry mix on Radio One saved us just as the girls started to get restless and then there was great delight at some chewing gum we’d bought. “This is the first time using chewing gum the right way!” our youngest child declared. I dread to think what she’s done with it in the past!

After catching the ferry to Calais, we drove across to Belgium. Searching for a cashpoint, we drove down some of the back streets a while before reaching Brussels. The houses were amazing, each one different from the next and all really delightful in their own way.

There was drama in the back of the car when E removed her shoes. M has a very acute sense of smell and her sister’s cheesy feet was too much to handle! We had to have a period of the girls choosing the car music to keep them happy. E chose a succession of Little Mix songs and then M opted for her usual choice of Bon Jovi, blasted at full volume.

Eventually we arrived in Cologne and went out in the sweltering heat to find dinner. Cologne is beautiful and the atmosphere is lovely. After dinner we sat by the river with beers and ice cream and watched the boats go by.

Which brings us back to the sweaty room. Both girls are now asleep but I have to say the air is suffocating. It’s been hot in the UK recently but this is stifling. My hubby is sitting in bed drinking beer after washing his feet because I moaned so much about the smell. Thing is, I’ve got a horrible feeling it might be mine I can smell!

Day One has been a success. No major meltdowns from anyone, a smooth journey (so far) and a gorgeous evening in Cologne.

architectural photo of bridge during nighttime — Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Walking on eggshells!

‘Walking on eggshells’ describes my home life quite accurately. The main reason I wanted to start a blog (other than the fact that I love to waffle on) was the difficulties we have with our youngest daughter. Some of it I wanted to share because it’s quite amusing, some of it because it shows other people with similar struggles that even someone whose job is children, can’t always manage her own child and partly to see if anyone had advice!

My youngest daughter is six years old. She has always been a fairly strong-willed, fiery child but this past year she’s taken it to the next level and it’s been the hardest we’ve faced with her. I’m going to describe a typical day with M:

Usually wakes up in a foul mood, immediately angry and shouting. Demands food instantly. Usually shouts, screams and rejects food that is offered to her. She recently shouted, “I want something unhealthy and you make me eat healthy stuff.” Yesterday morning she asked if she could have squirty cream for breakfast and then flipped out when I refused.
Refuses to get dressed, have hair brushed, clean teeth etc. Every request is met with anger, shouting and hurling herself about.
She tells her sister where to sit on the sofa, taking up most of the room herself and then screaming at E if she encroaches on what she considers to be her space.
Putting socks on can be very traumatic because of the ‘bumps.’ This can provoke a lot of upset and anger.
Putting shoes on is even worse at the moment. She flips out if you don’t do them tight enough and I never, ever can.
She will lash out violently at times and become fairly hysterical at the drop of a hat. She can flip in a second.
Carrying her own school stuff is also something that she refuses to do and will cry and shout when she’s made to.
She goes bonkers at her sister if she touches her car seat, something that E needs to do in order to climb across to her own seat. M will kick and punch her if she gets angry with her.
At school she is generally angelic. Every now and then she has started to show this other side and certainly this year she has had a few more friendship issues, but on the whole she is the model child at school.
Home time – she demands a snack. Sometimes she gets very cross if the snack isn’t good enough or if there is only one thing.
At home the angry, violent behaviour continues and getting her to walk the dog, read or anything else is very tricky.
Bedtime didn’t used to be a problem but these days it increasingly is.

As I read this back to myself I realise this just sounds like I have a very obnoxious little girl, who is allowed to get away with murder. However, it just isn’t that straight forward. Honestly, I don’t entirely know what the deal is. I teach, I know children and I know she has certain traits. But she doesn’t totally fit any description or diagnosis. I do know that she’s genuinely upset when her shoes don’t feel right. I can see that she’s not very happy quite a lot of the time. I also know that she worries about all sorts of things but doesn’t always know how to deal with it. The other night when she clung on to me at bedtime, she wasn’t just messing around, she desperately wanted me to be as close as possible.

I’ve listed many negative things about M because she pushes me to my limit on a daily basis at the moment, but she is incredibly loving and fiercely loyal. She knows her own mind and at times shows great strength and determination. She can be very funny and is such a bright spark.

I am writing all of this now, at what feels like the start of the next chapter for us. In the hope that I can find some ways to make her life and our lives easier. I don’t want to change her but I want to be in a better position to understand her struggles, manage her behaviour and teach her how to treat people with kindness.

So please, if you’re in a similar position, comment away!