I’ve ummed and ahhhed about whether to stop this blog. I’m not too sure what purpose it serves or who it’s for. So I’m going to have a go at writing just for me and see how we go.
As we ease out of lockdown I’ve started to really think about the things I want to continue. I’ve actually felt pretty anxious about coming out the other side of it, not just because I’m unsure about whether we’re ready, but also because when you have no option but to be at home, there’s no pressure to do anything. I’m lucky that my little isolated bubble felt safe. Sure, I missed people but actually there is a lot I didn’t miss.
So I’ve compiled a list, because I love a list. This is a list of the positive things to come out of lockdown, the things to hang on to.
Family meals. Sitting together around the table or in the garden, for lunch and dinner every day.
Conversations with my husband. Having the time to stay up and talk to each other.
Not always having loads planned in each day.
Fires in the evening…even on weekdays.
Every day including good things, not just the weekdays.
Sitting in the garden.
Reading.
Exploring the countryside on walks.
Walking and cycling – only driving if necessary.
Keeping in touch with family and friends but not having to have a ridiculously busy social life.
Realising what I’m passionate about – horses (amongst other things) and realising what I still can’t stand (cleaning and housework).
Realising my flaws and accepting I need to change to be a better person.
Slowing down, having the time to breathe and think.
This is my personal list and I’ve learnt a lot about myself over the past few months. But I think that we all have to see this as an opportunity to change. A warning actually, that we must change. That the planet needs us to live our lives differently and stand up for what is right. I don’t want to go back to life before all of this, I want to seize the opportunity to make things better!
Halfway through the week we had a bit of a fright. My youngest daughter mentioned that she’d spiked her hand and ‘it might’ve been on a needle.’ When I heard those words, I had that odd feeling where your stomach sinks and you think you might throw up. Now what happened is not relevant to my story, but to cut a long story short, we think my daughter is fine and it looks extremely unlikely that it was a needle that she spiked herself on. Unfortunately, because there was a very small risk, she had to have blood tests for HIV, Hepatitis B and C. She also had to have an injection for Hepatitis and will need one monthly for the next few months and then have further blood tests. She’ll then need another injection in a year. She was pretty upset by the whole experience to be honest. So was I. Here is where I gained perspective – I’d come home from work that day feeling like a failure and questioning, for the millionth time, whether I’m in the right profession. I was also stressing because our house hasn’t sold, because I had work to do, because I was knackered and had no time to exercise – the usual stuff. In a matter of seconds none of that mattered. None of it. The only thing that mattered was that my girl was ok and as I sat with her at the hospital, I thought of all the parents who have to do this every day, the parents of children who are really sick. My daughter was scared, tired and upset and it hurt my heart but I knew she was probably ok. It must be unbelievably tough to watch your child suffer and be completely helpless. It made me feel incredibly grateful. It also made me realise that all of that stuff I’d been stressing about really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. My children and my family are what matters above all else. So I guess a pretty unpleasant evening gave me some much needed clarity.
I’ve struggled at work this week. I’ve been lucky enough not to have to deal with challenging behaviour for the past two years and so I feel like I’ve been thrown back in the deep end. I feel enormously drained and frustrated at having to manage behaviour over teaching. I come home feeling like I’m failing the rest of my class and actually failing these tricky children too. It’s tough.
Out of work I’m feeling optimistic about future plans. Despite having very little interest in our house, we are starting to formulate a plan for the future that excites me. I won’t divulge much now but I’m hoping that some of the things I’ve always dreamed of might not be too far from my grasp.
After resting following my root canal, I took the dog for a glorious 3 mile run yesterday. We went in the late afternoon sunshine and as we tore through the trees, music blasting in my ears, I felt I might’ve turned a corner. Today I went back to the gym, which was awesome. I did a back and shoulder workout that resulted in sweat pouring down my face and body. It felt bloomin good.
So it’s been a mixed week. The weekdays are tough but I’m still hanging on to my weekends and resisting work. It means I feel I’ve had a break, which is needed. I’m also feeling excited about future plans…but that’s another story for another day.
We’re a few weeks into the start of term and this school year and the holiday feels like a very distant memory. The past month has been overshadowed by chronic toothache and all thoughts of daily fun and exercise went out the window. Each day was a blur of whisky, codeine and anything else I could think of to take away the pain. I finally had root canal yesterday and despite the slightly alarming message that my tooth/gum can take up to a year to heal, I’m feeling unusually optimistic. Even though I feel like I’ve been punched in the face, I definitely don’t have the feeling of wanting to rip my face off anymore, which is nice!
So I have a new class. This was always going to be tough after having my previous bunch for two years. I adored them more than I think I’ve ever adored a class, so not having them has been emotional. It’s crazy I know but that’s how attached us teachers get. I’m trying to suss the new lot out and no doubt they are trying to get the measure of me too. This run up to Christmas with a new class is always a funny time and perhaps not the easiest. I am trying to be much stricter about work/life balance this year though. My plan is to work one of my days off and leave the other for chores. I’m also going to try to only work two evenings a week and not work weekends at all. I’ve managed it so far but the list of tasks to do is growing more quickly than I’m getting through them. However, it’s so nice to actually think about other things at the weekend and not feel the constant guilt that I’m neglecting my own family.
Dealing with the exhaustion of teaching is tough at the moment. I’m desperate to get back into the gym and running but my tooth hasn’t allowed me to get going properly. I do wonder how I ever used to manage it all. A few years ago I never skipped a workout and was in pretty good shape. The last few years have taken their toll and as I approach 40, I’m really starting to feel it. I feel quite determined to change though, and get back on track.
Another cause of the stress and exhaustion is our house going on the market. When people talk about moving being one of the most stressful things you can do, they’re not wrong. I always thought it was the actual moving that was the tricky part but I’m realising that it’s the whole process. Keeping my house in a fit state to be viewed when I have little time, two kids, a dog and a cat is no mean feat. I also think that deep down my gut was telling me that the plan we had in place wasn’t quite the right one. Sometimes it’s really hard to tell exactly what it is that you want. I find it very tricky indeed. I can’t decide what to eat for my next meal, let alone where in the world I want to live. I have found the whole thing overwhelming and have really had to focus on where I see myself in the future. I think we’re finally getting there but that’s a story for another time.
My eldest baby turned 10 this month. I have no idea how that precious, tiny, scrawny little mite has turned into the beautiful, funny, athletic girl she has. She celebrated with a horse riding party and sleepover with her closest friends. I think they all enjoyed it and I even got a little ride, which was much fun. However, we will not be doing a sleepover again any time soon! The point just before midnight that they started wrestling (who knew girls did that?!) was a game changer! I also finally allowed my big girl to have her ears pierced and am coming to terms with the fact that I have a child in double digits now, who will soon be stealing my make up and going out clubbing.
Both of my girls were phenomenal last weekend, running Pretty Muddy to raise money for Cancer Research. I ran with my littlest, who attempted every obstacle and chatted the whole way round. My big girl only went and came in second overall – the first girl to finish. She tore round the course on her own and absolutely smashed it, making me super proud.
I’m currently pondering how to deal with my smallest girl, the angry one. She hit her sister hard this evening, so after wrestling some beloved dress up shoes off her I sent her upstairs. I waited until she was calm to try to talk to her but the moment I tried her blood started to boil. It’s always the way. How do I teach her it’s wrong to tell people to ‘shut up’ or that they are idiots? Am I fighting a losing battle?
So here I am on a Tuesday evening, feeling a bit sick at the prospect of work tomorrow but hopeful for the future. There are big changes to come. I can feel it in my bones.
Most days I feel like I’m drowning. Drowning in work, kids clubs, packed lunches, to-do lists, chores, more work and so on. Even just now as I just sat down to write this, I checked my work emails just in case I’ve missed something important. I went through them yesterday morning (yesterday was Sunday) so there shouldn’t be much. I had 8 new ones, most of which require some sort of action from me. My heart is doing it’s familiar race. Last year when the chest pain and heart palpitations started I thought I was having a heart attack or that there was something really wrong with me but now I’ve come to expect it. The doctor says it’s anxiety. I know the horrible feeling I get as I open my work emails. The racing heart is familiar to me now and although it annoys me, it no longer scares me when it happens. Of course it should! It really, really should! It is my body going into panic mode over and over again. It shows how often I am seriously stressed and over a longer period of time this will start to do damage. Long term stress increases your risk of heart disease and stroke. It causes chronic inflammation and in women it can cause menopausal symptoms (yep – I can vouch for that one – ugh!). Another scary one that I didn’t know, is that it can increase your chance of developing Alzheimer’s!
I thought it was just me that felt this way and that it happened to me because I am particularly useless at keeping on top of life. But over the past few months, after talking to various people I have come to realise that a large percentage of people live life like this. I thought I was the only one who feels like I’m constantly struggling to keep my head above water, always about to drown. But I’m not. In a way this reassures me because I’m not alone in my struggle to stay on top of everything. I’m not totally useless compared to others. But in a way it really worries and depresses me that this is becoming the norm. I’m watching friends, who I love dearly go through similar struggles and I don’t know how to help them because I have no idea how to help myself.
I’m reading Dr Chatterjee’s ‘The Stress Solution’ and read his first book ‘The Four Pillar Plan’ and it certainly makes a lot of sense. I’m trying hard to use some of the strategies he talks about and some days it helps. The problem I have is that I manage this on the days I’m not at work and on the days I am at work it just all goes out the window. Yes, a morning meditation and routine is a great idea, but on the days I’m dashing to get to work as early as possible to try to stay on top of my increasing workload, it just doesn’t happen. I’m also so utterly exhausted every second of every day at the moment that I feel like I have nothing left for anything else.
My mum sent me an article the other day about how teachers will be encouraged to job share in the future, as the workload gets too much to manage when you’re working full time. I’m supposed to still be part-time. I can honestly say I have no idea how anyone does this job full time anymore. Not a clue. How ridiculous that the workload in a profession gets so much that it’s no longer possible to do it full time!
This blog wasn’t meant to be all doom and gloom! It really wasn’t! It’s actually me trying to set myself some goals and a plan. It was also for anyone else who feels like they are the only one struggling to be good at their job, at being a parent, at keeping their house clean (man I’m shit at this one), at being a good wife/husband, being a good friend/family member and all of the other things that we try to juggle.
Someone told me recently that they didn’t know anyone who spent as much time as me trying to improve themselves. I took it as a compliment but I don’t actually think it was meant as one. I think sometimes we need to cut ourselves some slack and accept that we will drop the ball sometimes. It probably isn’t possible to succeed at everything all the time. But I am going to try some different strategies to see if it is possible to stop the constant feeling of panic. I’m also going to look at why so many of us feel as useless as we do (and I truly believe social media plays a massive part in this). I’ll be totally honest here – the number one cause of my stress is my job. I love teaching but I cannot articulate how stressful I find my job and the workload … and that is a nationwide problem, that is not just me. I can’t solve this one but I can try out some different steps to see if I can improve things.
So the plan for this week is as follows:
Go back to keeping a quick diary. Just jotting down the highs and lows of each day to try to get things out of my head.
Make a schedule and stick to it. Block out time to do things. If I plan to exercise then do it. If I plan to stop working at a certain time then I stop at that time. No. Matter. What.
This one’s for the teachers – marking with the children. Try to mark during lessons with the children as much as possible. Verbal feedback is far more valuable anyway and this reduces mountains of books to mark at the end of the day…hopefully!
Eat the rainbow, or alphabet or whatever. Just eat a shed load of different types of fruit and veg. I’m really interested to see how an improved diet improves stress and energy levels.
Finally, take digital holidays. Have a day a week with no social media and if possible, no phone at all. Limit checking my phone to 4 times a day (no idea how I actually train myself to do this). The amount of time wasted looking at my phone is insane!
So that’s it folks, I’m hoping that by the end of this week I’ll be totally zen. Seriously though, none of the above is rocket science and yet when we get stressed, we stuff our faces with junk food and lose ourselves in social media (oh, or is that just me?!) and it makes us feel like shit. I’m a woman on a mission because, well, I do love a mission.
Every Friday night I have this overwhelming sense of relief. I’ve made it through another tough week of teaching, parenting and trying to fit in some workouts. Every Friday I feel optimistic – I’m going to get up and walk the dog, run, go to the gym, get jobs done, clean my house, spend some precious time with my family, sort the garden out, do some DIY, catch up with friends, read, help the kids with their homework, prep the week’s meals…..and on and on and on. Every Friday night I drink. I drink the week away and I drink because woohoo, it’s the weekend!
Then Saturday morning hits me like a slap in the face. Friday night’s euphoria a distant memory and utter exhaustion sets in. During the week I run on adrenaline and caffeine but when I reach the weekend I just grind to a halt. In the cold light of day the DIY seems less appealing and actually I’m pretty knackered so would rather not go for a run, or a dog walk or do anything much. I catch sight of myself in the mirror. When did I start looking so old and worn down? I beat myself up for letting myself go. I snap at the kids who argue constantly. I let them watch too much TV because I want peace and quiet but then I beat myself up for being such a boring and useless mother. I spend ages scrolling on Facebook and Instagram, wondering where other people find the energy to get out and have fun. I beat myself up again for wasting time looking at my phone. My house is a dump, it’s disgusting and I feel overwhelmed so I sit and do nothing. I beat myself up again for being lazy and useless. At least during the week I barely have time to breathe, let alone notice what a mess my house is.
Then Saturday night finally comes around. Woohoo Saturday night! I’m not actually going anywhere but it’s Saturday night so I’ll drink some wine. Sunday is going to be the day I get all my shit done. Sunday I am going to sort my life out. The funny thing is that I’m still knackered on Sunday. I wonder why, I mean it’s the second day of the weekend, I should be fully rejuvenated by now right?! I’m slow to get going. I’m still grumpy but I don’t really know why. I can’t focus my attention to any task so I pretty much do nothing. Panic starts to set in. It’s Sunday and I still haven’t cleaned my house, spent quality time with my family, prepped the week’s meals, made my face look alive and youthful and on and on and on.
I’ve written a plan for next week. I do it every Sunday. I can’t actually fit everything into my week. I never can. My plan fills me with anxiety. It always does.
I’ve not written this to be a miserable cow (although that is what I am at the moment). I’ve written it for anyone else who just hangs on in there through the week, only to find the weekend a struggle too. I’ve written it because posting pics of workouts and dog walks and my gorgeous girls, make it look like my weekends are all sunshine and rainbows. They are not. It’s not because I don’t love my family, or want to get things done. It’s because I have a job that takes everything I have and leaves me with very little energy for anyone or anything else. I don’t know what the solution is (cutting back on the wine is a good start I know) but I’m pretty stubborn and I’m going to find one….
The holiday seems a distant memory and normal, hectic life has resumed. I’m trying desperately to hang on to some of the calm I felt whilst I was away but it is really difficult when I can’t fit everything into the week and life happens at such a frantic pace.
So here’s my plan of action:
Plan each week in advance on a Sunday. Weekly plan must include working out, school work, walking the dog, cleaning the house, kids’ activities, meetings/activities I might have, food shopping and food prep, reading/homework with the girls, spending some 1:1 time each week with one of the girls, DIY and gardening and finally some family time.
Focus on one task at a time. Allocate time slots and don’t allow myself to be distracted by other tasks.
Try to have 15 minutes a day to myself, to read, lie in a bath, paint my nails or just close my eyes!
If something is missed, it’s missed. Don’t try to fit it in somewhere else or it’ll screw up the rest of the week. Accept that sometimes I simply can’t fit everything in.
Set a cut off time every day where I have to stop. Allow at least half an hour before bed to write a diary and relax.
Try to get at least 7 hours sleep a night.
Plan meals and snacks in advance and track.
I struggle enormously with feeling overwhelmed by how much I have to do. That causes me to flap and panic and then I am not productive. I have to slow the pace of my life down or I will burn myself out. I’ve done it before.
Tomorrow is our last day in Croatia and whilst I love it here, I’d have my doubts about doing 10 days just the four of us again. I actually had my doubts about this last part of our trip before we came away, because I know that no matter how beautiful the surroundings, it can feel pretty claustrophobic when it’s just us. I also know how tricky our youngest child is and there was no reason she’d change just because we are away. I was right. She didn’t change.
Anyway, we’ve visited one of our favourite places, Solaris, several times. I feel a bit embarrassed to love it so much because it’s a resort, but it’s easy with the kids and the beaches are beautiful there. Solaris is on the outskirts of Sibenik and has actually changed quite a lot over the past few years. The changes this time were a surprise, as they had removed the cheesy pirate ship nightclub that we secretly all loved. I welcomed some new posh toilets but the children were gutted not to be able to steer the ship.
We’ve also visited Banj beach in Sibenik a couple of times, which is a nice city beach that we’ve never been to before. Last night we swam in the early evening and then walked along to Sibenik old town for dinner. I’ve got a real soft spot for Sibenik , there is something about the atmosphere that I adore. I love walking along the harbour choosing boats and exploring the old town never gets dull. What was apparent last night, was that my fitness has seriously declined! I really struggled with climbing all of the stairs and felt pretty light-headed at the top. Admittedly the large glass of red I’d downed on an empty stomach didn’t help, but still I feel motivated to get fit again when I get home. We had a lovely dinner in the evening warmth and I felt a pang as we walked back to the car. I’m actually ready to go home for once, but I will miss the sea so much and the thought of work makes my stomach churn.
Another place we visited is Roski Slap. Roski Slap is possibly my favourite place in Croatia. It is breathtakingly stunning. RoÅ¡ki slap is made up of a 22.5 m high main waterfall and countless backwaters and cascades. RoÅ¡ki slap is situated about 36 km downstream of the Krka River spring. After completing the beautiful little walk there, you can swim in a cordoned off part of the river and sit under some of the smaller waterfalls. We also climbed the 517 wooden steps to the cave and were very excited to see bats. There is something totally tranquil about Roski Slap, like you’ve escaped the rest of the world, and it’s pretty rare that I feel like that.
We also once again visited Skradinski Buk, the big waterfall at Krka. The 800m-long cascade descends by almost 46m before crashing into the lower lake, which is a popular swimming spot. Also very beautiful but too busy for me. It seems to get busier each year and this year was absolutely heaving. There is no dignified way to get into the water here and slipping and scrambling across the rocks is the only way to get across them. I came away with a few scrapes and knocks as I usually do. I also had a pretty hairy moment with E, where it became clear that the current was too strong for her. I swam with her on my back to get to the buoys but she was losing her swim shoe and so was distracted. I ended up taking a huge lungful of water and also almost lost a contact lens, clinging on to my precious girl!
We had a night out in Split but again the girls were quite tricky and probably over-tired. Split at night is fantastic and we did have a little drink and dance inside the square at the Diocletian’s Palace. It would have been nice to stay out longer but moaning children meant we cut the night short. The upshot of an earlier night was that we enjoyed a walk around the following morning without a hangover.
These past 10 days I’ve been swimming, slept a lot, sunbathed, eaten a ridiculous amount, had a fair bit to drink and contemplated life. I’d like to take the sea and sunshine home but I’m ready to go home. I miss my friends, I miss exercise and unbelievably, I miss the dog!!! Tomorrow is our last beach day and I plan to enjoy every second. Croatia…until the next time…
The drive to Croatia was fairly straightforward, one we have done before. The only drama was when a spider crawled across the back of my seat in the car whilst we were bombing down the motorway. The screams from the girls were blood-curdling and the look of terror on E’s face was highly entertaining. I feel ashamed that they are that way around spiders because that’s how I am.
The past few days have been spent on the beach, doing little more than swimming, sun-bathing, eating and drinking. Here are some of the conversations with my darling girls:
Eldest child (E) looks at me and says, “Is that the dress I told you you look fat in?” “Yes,” I reply, waiting for her to tell me I actually don’t. “Yep, you definitely do look fat in it,” she says.
Conversation with E in the sea… “Do sea urchins swim up and attack people?” she asks. “No” I tell her. “Do you find them in rivers?” she wants to know. Youngest child chips in (one of them has a few brain cells) “They are called SEA urchins.” E then asks about piranhas, “Do they have them here?” I tell her they are found in rivers like the Amazon. “Well this is like the Amazon” she says matter-of-factly.
Youngest child finds a pinecone floating in the sea and names it piney. She leaves it in the sea and sends me in to retrieve. Piney looks very much like a turd floating in the sea and I was quite hesitant to pick him up!
Quote from youngest child about what mummy and daddy like: “Mummy likes going on holiday and teaching her children. Daddy likes the weekend and watching football.” She’s not too far off.
Anyway, I need to get back to my red wine now and the family have just returned with take-away pizza. I’m going to be the size of a small whale by the time I get home but hey-ho.
I have fallen in love with the Czech Republic in a way that I didn’t expect to. From the beautiful towns and cities, to the rolling countryside and lakes, we have had such a great time. As you approach the border with Austria, the landscape becomes more Alpine and the views are stunning. We’ve seen lots of wonderful wildlife on this trip, but I was particularly excited when I saw what I’m pretty certain was an eagle!
We realised that the reason E has pretty poor geography skills is because her parents do too. As we approached the Austrian border, we had a brief debate about which country we were actually about to drive into. Once in Austria, I was reminded why I Ioved it so much last year. The scenery is breath taking and spectacular. There is just something magical and beautiful in the towering mountains, pine forests and green fields. The driving was fun too! Twisting and turning up and down mountain roads and accelerating through the fields.
Eventually we entered Slovenia and found our cabin in the woods. We are staying in a two-story wooden cabin situated in a campsite. We are set back right in the woods on the edge of the site. Last night there was an almighty thunderstorm and I sat quivering in bed, convinced that lightening would strike one of the towering trees above us. When I eventually lay back down again I heard a scuttling, scratching noise very close to my head. There was some sort of creature either on the roof or even worse, in the cabin. I hissed at S, who had also heard it but was becoming increasingly irritated with my fussing about storms and creatures. I have no idea when I fell back to sleep but that was not the most restful night ever.
Today we woke to cold and rainy weather but it didn’t matter as we were visiting the Postonja caves, a 24,340m long cave system. The caves were amazing, eerie, cold, wonderful, alien like and awe-inspiring. We travelled into the caves by train and then walked through the caves on foot, before travelling back through the cave tunnels by train again. Formed almost 2 million years ago, the mind boggles as you gaze at the stalagmites and stalactites.
The weather broke overnight and as we drove to the wedding venue, a few hours from Prague, the rain came down and it was pretty chilly. Despite the weather, the place was perfect! An absolutely wonderful location for a wedding and guests. It’s a house with a pool in a village in the countryside, surrounded by fields. We explored the main house and our cottage before going shopping for food for the guests that were due to arrive that night.
A lot of alcohol was consumed the night before the wedding! We all had a blast and it was so lovely to catch up with family and friends. I stumbled into bed at around 2am and woke with a sore head on the day of the wedding.
The rain had vanished and to our relief, the sun was shining. Those of us who were slightly fragile (and the children), took a quick dip in the pool before the wedding prep began. The day was perfect. We had so much fun and there was a lovely relaxed vibe. My brother and his wife looked amazing and I felt emotional seeing them both so happy.
I love the bubble that surrounds you when you’re at a wedding, where all that matters is having fun, eating and drinking. It was a magical weekend and one that I’ll never forget.
The next day was spent in and out of the pool and packing up to leave. We left for our next destination of Hurka in the late afternoon sun. The drive was spectacular, across winding country roads and through great pine forests. But I was the driver and was tired after two very late nights partying, so when we had to turn back twice because the road was closed, I was starting to get fed up. By the time we arrived (much later than planned), we didn’t manage to visit the lake as I’d hoped. All we wanted was food and sleep. We stayed in a quirky little guesthouse that had a cat hotel attached to the side of it! The woman who ran it was super friendly and we were quickly settled with food and beer. As I tucked into my second portion of deep fried cheese and chips, I briefly pondered how long it might take to work it all off when I return home! That worry I’ll save for another day.
