The parts of lockdown I want to hang on to.

I’ve ummed and ahhhed about whether to stop this blog. I’m not too sure what purpose it serves or who it’s for. So I’m going to have a go at writing just for me and see how we go.

As we ease out of lockdown I’ve started to really think about the things I want to continue. I’ve actually felt pretty anxious about coming out the other side of it, not just because I’m unsure about whether we’re ready, but also because when you have no option but to be at home, there’s no pressure to do anything. I’m lucky that my little isolated bubble felt safe. Sure, I missed people but actually there is a lot I didn’t miss.

So I’ve compiled a list, because I love a list. This is a list of the positive things to come out of lockdown, the things to hang on to.

Family meals. Sitting together around the table or in the garden, for lunch and dinner every day.
Conversations with my husband. Having the time to stay up and talk to each other.
Not always having loads planned in each day.
Fires in the evening…even on weekdays.
Every day including good things, not just the weekdays.
Sitting in the garden.
Reading.
Exploring the countryside on walks.
Walking and cycling – only driving if necessary.
Keeping in touch with family and friends but not having to have a ridiculously busy social life.
Realising what I’m passionate about – horses (amongst other things) and realising what I still can’t stand (cleaning and housework).
Realising my flaws and accepting I need to change to be a better person.
Slowing down, having the time to breathe and think.

This is my personal list and I’ve learnt a lot about myself over the past few months. But I think that we all have to see this as an opportunity to change. A warning actually, that we must change. That the planet needs us to live our lives differently and stand up for what is right. I don’t want to go back to life before all of this, I want to seize the opportunity to make things better!

Resilience Part 2

landscape photography green grass field beside dark foggy forest during golden hour — Photo by Ivars on Pexels.com

Unfortunately it didn’t take long before I started to crumble. That’s the thing with my job, you think you’re tough enough, but if like me, you’re actually not, it can send you spiralling. Fortunately I can say this now because I’ve saved myself. The great thing is that it is my daily exercise for RED January and Mind that has been my saviour.

The week started well with a productive Monday and good gym session but on Tuesday I woke up with disgusting red patches all over my chin. Impetigo. It’s an occupational hazard. I’m the master of catching disgusting skin conditions and this was not my first impetigo rodeo. But it was incredibly poor timing. So I had to adapt many of my plans and once again think about vain I actually am. I hated facing anyone with my face looking so gross and just wanted to hibernate. On Wednesday I did. I didn’t go to work as it’s incredibly contagious and that’s what I was advised to do. By Wednesday evening I was feeling enormously guilty and it became clear that I was expected to be at work. For someone like me this causes enormous anxiety. I hate missing work and the feeling that people might be cross with me was too much and I struggled to sleep.

So on Thursday I went to work with raging PMT, a disgusting crusty red face and very little sleep. It took one person to ask how I was and comment that I looked tired before I cried. I unravel quite quickly and hate that I often show how close to the edge I am. I spent the day hating my job and feeling shaky.

However, by Friday I was starting to care less about my face and was reminded why I do absolutely love my job. We had Art Day all day and I had the most wonderful, relaxing day with my class, who were just awesome. As I ran the Daily Mile with my class, one little boy, who always hold my hand commented that he knew why I was running so slowly. I looked down at my boots and smiled, “Ahh is it because I’m not wearing my trainers today?” I asked. He looked puzzled and replied, “No, it’s because you’re really old!” He couldn’t understand why I laughed out loud but looked very pleased with the reaction he got. Kids are brilliant.

All week I’ve continued with my daily activity. I’m pretty active anyway, but this has been really good for those days when I’m stuck in the classroom and get home late. Having to do something active, even if it’s just a dog walk round the block in the dark, has been a massive de-stressor. Today’s run in the beautiful winter sun after a frosty morning dog walk has really lifted me and I feel (just about) ready to take on the week ahead.

So, resilience….I don’t have enough yet, but I reckon that staying active is the key to a healthy mind, so I’m feeling optimistic

New Year

lighthouse under gray clouds — Photo by Ray Bilcliff on Pexels.com

I’ve left it so long to write that I don’t really know where to start. I guess I’ll start with the start of the year…

We spent new year in Fife, Scotland, where my brother lives. It’s a beautiful part of the world and I fall in love with it a little more each time we visit. On new year’s eve we visited Tentsmuir. The sky was completely clear and the landscape stunning. A great expanse of blue met the sea and we walked along the vast and breath taking beach. Eventually we found our way into tall pine trees and walked back through magical forest. My cheeks were pink and my eyes almost hurt from the bright beauty of the winter sun. Places like that just speak to me and settle my soul in a way that nowhere else does, it’s quite overwhelming. It’s an odd feeling because although I love sharing it with my family, I have moments where I try to hang back so I can take it all in on my own.

New year’s day the crystal clear sky had gone and the weather was far more bleak, I’m just hoping it wasn’t indicative of what’s to come this year! The walk along Burtisland was cold and windswept. Still, we all felt better for it, as you always do! We then headed to Silver Sands, Aberdour, a beautiful beach and a haven for dog walkers. We ate cheesy chips outside and marvelled at people brave enough for a new year’s day dip in the sea.

I’m attempting to do RED January. The idea being that you make sure you are active every day of January to raise money and awareness for Mind. So far I’ve done 2 windswept beach walks, a kettlebells workout (that took a long time to prepare for since I couldn’t actually get my sports bra done up), a run and a gym session. I’m going to try really hard to increase my daily movement and not just focus on half an hour or an hour working out each day. I’m also going to try to get outside more. It’s so bloomin’ good for you! Physically and mentally!

My resolutions are to cook the vast majority of meals from scratch, to somehow limit my phone time and to stop using my credit card. I know new year’s resolutions are a load of crap but I’m a big believer in having goals and these three are important right now. I’ll keep you posted on how I get on but so far, as predicted, the phone one is proving to be the trickiest.

I’ll leave it there for now. I’m back to work tomorrow after what has felt like a proper break. I really switched off from teaching and it did me the world of good. We’ll see what next week brings…

Gaining Perspective

Halfway through the week we had a bit of a fright. My youngest daughter mentioned that she’d spiked her hand and ‘it might’ve been on a needle.’ When I heard those words, I had that odd feeling where your stomach sinks and you think you might throw up. Now what happened is not relevant to my story, but to cut a long story short, we think my daughter is fine and it looks extremely unlikely that it was a needle that she spiked herself on. Unfortunately, because there was a very small risk, she had to have blood tests for HIV, Hepatitis B and C. She also had to have an injection for Hepatitis and will need one monthly for the next few months and then have further blood tests. She’ll then need another injection in a year. She was pretty upset by the whole experience to be honest. So was I. Here is where I gained perspective – I’d come home from work that day feeling like a failure and questioning, for the millionth time, whether I’m in the right profession. I was also stressing because our house hasn’t sold, because I had work to do, because I was knackered and had no time to exercise – the usual stuff. In a matter of seconds none of that mattered. None of it. The only thing that mattered was that my girl was ok and as I sat with her at the hospital, I thought of all the parents who have to do this every day, the parents of children who are really sick. My daughter was scared, tired and upset and it hurt my heart but I knew she was probably ok. It must be unbelievably tough to watch your child suffer and be completely helpless. It made me feel incredibly grateful. It also made me realise that all of that stuff I’d been stressing about really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. My children and my family are what matters above all else. So I guess a pretty unpleasant evening gave me some much needed clarity.

I’ve struggled at work this week. I’ve been lucky enough not to have to deal with challenging behaviour for the past two years and so I feel like I’ve been thrown back in the deep end. I feel enormously drained and frustrated at having to manage behaviour over teaching. I come home feeling like I’m failing the rest of my class and actually failing these tricky children too. It’s tough.

Out of work I’m feeling optimistic about future plans. Despite having very little interest in our house, we are starting to formulate a plan for the future that excites me. I won’t divulge much now but I’m hoping that some of the things I’ve always dreamed of might not be too far from my grasp.

After resting following my root canal, I took the dog for a glorious 3 mile run yesterday. We went in the late afternoon sunshine and as we tore through the trees, music blasting in my ears, I felt I might’ve turned a corner. Today I went back to the gym, which was awesome. I did a back and shoulder workout that resulted in sweat pouring down my face and body. It felt bloomin good.

So it’s been a mixed week. The weekdays are tough but I’m still hanging on to my weekends and resisting work. It means I feel I’ve had a break, which is needed. I’m also feeling excited about future plans…but that’s another story for another day.

Killer toothache, the start of term, feeling old and big changes ahead.

We’re a few weeks into the start of term and this school year and the holiday feels like a very distant memory. The past month has been overshadowed by chronic toothache and all thoughts of daily fun and exercise went out the window. Each day was a blur of whisky, codeine and anything else I could think of to take away the pain. I finally had root canal yesterday and despite the slightly alarming message that my tooth/gum can take up to a year to heal, I’m feeling unusually optimistic. Even though I feel like I’ve been punched in the face, I definitely don’t have the feeling of wanting to rip my face off anymore, which is nice!

So I have a new class. This was always going to be tough after having my previous bunch for two years. I adored them more than I think I’ve ever adored a class, so not having them has been emotional. It’s crazy I know but that’s how attached us teachers get. I’m trying to suss the new lot out and no doubt they are trying to get the measure of me too. This run up to Christmas with a new class is always a funny time and perhaps not the easiest. I am trying to be much stricter about work/life balance this year though. My plan is to work one of my days off and leave the other for chores. I’m also going to try to only work two evenings a week and not work weekends at all. I’ve managed it so far but the list of tasks to do is growing more quickly than I’m getting through them. However, it’s so nice to actually think about other things at the weekend and not feel the constant guilt that I’m neglecting my own family.

Dealing with the exhaustion of teaching is tough at the moment. I’m desperate to get back into the gym and running but my tooth hasn’t allowed me to get going properly. I do wonder how I ever used to manage it all. A few years ago I never skipped a workout and was in pretty good shape. The last few years have taken their toll and as I approach 40, I’m really starting to feel it. I feel quite determined to change though, and get back on track.

Another cause of the stress and exhaustion is our house going on the market. When people talk about moving being one of the most stressful things you can do, they’re not wrong. I always thought it was the actual moving that was the tricky part but I’m realising that it’s the whole process. Keeping my house in a fit state to be viewed when I have little time, two kids, a dog and a cat is no mean feat. I also think that deep down my gut was telling me that the plan we had in place wasn’t quite the right one. Sometimes it’s really hard to tell exactly what it is that you want. I find it very tricky indeed. I can’t decide what to eat for my next meal, let alone where in the world I want to live. I have found the whole thing overwhelming and have really had to focus on where I see myself in the future. I think we’re finally getting there but that’s a story for another time.

My eldest baby turned 10 this month. I have no idea how that precious, tiny, scrawny little mite has turned into the beautiful, funny, athletic girl she has. She celebrated with a horse riding party and sleepover with her closest friends. I think they all enjoyed it and I even got a little ride, which was much fun. However, we will not be doing a sleepover again any time soon! The point just before midnight that they started wrestling (who knew girls did that?!) was a game changer! I also finally allowed my big girl to have her ears pierced and am coming to terms with the fact that I have a child in double digits now, who will soon be stealing my make up and going out clubbing.

Both of my girls were phenomenal last weekend, running Pretty Muddy to raise money for Cancer Research. I ran with my littlest, who attempted every obstacle and chatted the whole way round. My big girl only went and came in second overall – the first girl to finish. She tore round the course on her own and absolutely smashed it, making me super proud.

I’m currently pondering how to deal with my smallest girl, the angry one. She hit her sister hard this evening, so after wrestling some beloved dress up shoes off her I sent her upstairs. I waited until she was calm to try to talk to her but the moment I tried her blood started to boil. It’s always the way. How do I teach her it’s wrong to tell people to ‘shut up’ or that they are idiots? Am I fighting a losing battle?

So here I am on a Tuesday evening, feeling a bit sick at the prospect of work tomorrow but hopeful for the future. There are big changes to come. I can feel it in my bones.

The thing I used to love the most was….

Horse riding. It was my life until the age of 18. Everything was about horses – I was obsessed. I learnt to ride under the arches at Vauxhall City Farm in London and most holidays in Devon I would get to ride on Exmoor. Then when we moved to Oxford I volunteered and then got a Sunday job at a riding stables here. I loved it, everything about it. I loved getting filthy mucking out, I loved grooming ponies, cleaning tack and even sweeping the yard. I loved getting home on a Sunday afternoon, filthy and ravenous. I loved how I smelt! I know that sounds odd, but to this day I love the smell of horses.

I had lessons once a week and grabbed any other opportunities I could to ride and became a fairly competent rider. Then I was lucky enough to get a pony on loan and then eventually buy him. I have so many wonderful memories of time spent with some of my best friends at the time, at the field, hacking out, trying to make jumps, we had so much fun. I was dedicated too! We used to cycle after school to ride, groom and feed the ponies. Sometimes we’d be in the field in the dark and bitter cold, trying to make sure the ponies were fed and ok. It was everything to me. My second horse was a feistier character but a beautiful mare. I loved her dearly but as I got older other things started to creep into my life. Non-horsey friends would invite me to parties and I discovered boys. My 39 year old self would tell my then self to stick with horses and ignore the boys, but I didn’t!

Anyway, by 18 I was rarely riding and eventually made the difficult decision to sell my horse. Looking back I think I was crazy, but it was the right thing to do at the time. So that was that, I stopped riding, the thing I loved the most. I’d always planned to go back to it but the years flew by and it became a distant memory. I’ve ridden a handful of times over the last few years, each time finding it pretty hard work in a riding lesson. I have thought about it more recently though. I’ve thought about how, like when I run, my mind just seemed to settle when I was riding. I’ve wondered whether I would have suffered the same stress and anxiety had I continued to ride.

So you’re probably wondering why on earth I’m waffling on about horses and my childhood. It’s because a couple of weeks ago I got back in the saddle. My children have nagged me a lot about riding on Exmoor, but I’ve tried to resist them following in my footsteps. Riding is dangerous and expensive and I wasn’t too sure I wanted them to start the hobby that I loved so much. However, I should know better than anyone that trying to talk a strong-willed girl out of something is pretty impossible. So there we were at the stables I used to ride at when I was little. I was anxious to be honest. I was nervous for myself but also for my children.

I needn’t have been. The moment I climbed back into the saddle, it all came flooding back to me. I was also very lucky that I got to ride Murray, who was an absolute dream of a horse. The weather was absolutely perfect, a beautiful clear day, unusual on Exmoor in my experience! We headed off in a group onto the moor. Halfway though the ride another woman asked me if I was worrying about my girls. I’d been so sure I wouldn’t enjoy the ride, as I’d spend the whole time fretting about them. I had to confess to this woman that I was having so much fun and was so focussed on my own ride, that I’d not worried at all. I had an absolute blast charging across Exmoor on this big, muscular horse. We rode right up close to Exmoor ponies and looked across spectacular views. I was beaming by the time we got back and had had the most fun I’d had in ages, my love for riding had come flooding back to me. My children had also really enjoyed it and I was so pleased we’d decided to go.

The thing about riding (and actually running) for me is that I’m entirely focussed and in the moment. Sometimes my mind might wander, but I know that right then the only thing I can do is ride (or run). Both activities require me to use my whole body for something that pushes me but gives me such a buzz. Sometimes it’s hard and uncomfortable but the euphoric feeling afterwards is almost always worth it. Someone asked me recently what it is that I think about when I run and I was stumped. I couldn’t really remember and it felt like sometimes I don’t really think about anything except the pounding of my feet, my heart, the fresh air on my skin and the beat in my ears. It was the same for me with horse riding. As we cantered across Exmoor, the only thing on my mind in that moment was my body on that horse with the wind in my face. For someone whose mind races constantly, often to places it doesn’t want to, this was the best therapy. So I reckon despite the fact that my poor thighs have taken over a week to recover, I might just do it again soon.

I urge you to go and find your thing. The thing that makes your heart race and your mind quiet.

selective focus photo of white horse — Photo by Jakob on Pexels.com

Did a month off social media change my life?

The short answer is no. It didn’t, not really. Am I glad I’ve done it though? Absolutely! Will I go back to it? I’m still not too sure.

So back to the beginning… I’m a very busy person. I’m also a pretty anxious person, who hasn’t felt too wonderful recently. I’d read a lot about the effect of mobile phones and social media and it also seemed fairly obvious anyway that this was probably adding to my stress and anxiety. So after starting to read the book ‘Digital Minimalism’ by Cal Newport I decided to take break from Facebook, Instagram and many other apps. I deleted a lot from my phone. That’s not to say I haven’t used any apps at all. I kept Pinterest for work purposes and WhatsApp for communicating with friends.

So here’s what I found….. I can confirm that using your mobile phone is highly addictive and actually I don’t think I’m cured completely. I checked my weather app, Pinterest and even Parentmail to replace Facebook and Instagram! I am now a lot better and can leave my phone in the car when I go to the shops and I don’t feel it always has to be with me. This is pretty liberating.

It was really unfortunate that my social media break tied in with me upping my hours at work. I initially had visions of me having loads of time for hobbies but unfortunately this was absolutely not the case. This past month has pretty much been taken up with work, work and more work. If I’m honest I’ve actually felt quite lonely at times but I think it’s been good for me. It’s been good to have time where I’ve had to face my own thoughts, rather than mindlessly scrolling.

One thing it has made me realise is that pretty much everyone spends a ridiculous amount of time with their faces buried in mobile phones. People on the street, on buses, in bars, at the park, having a meal, with their families – all staring at their phones. People are so addicted that they ignore those people they love just for a few more minutes looking at someone far less important on Facebook or Instagram. I truly hope I never, ever go back to making those around me feel as crap as I know it feels to play second fiddle to social media.

It has been nice to do things and not feel like I need to share them with everyone. I’m a chronic over-sharer but now realise that I don’t want to go back to feeling constantly connected via social media. I’ve quite enjoyed the isolation and even when I haven’t, I think it’s been good for me. On the occasions my husband has tried to show me things on Facebook, sat next to me on Facebook or played video clips off Facebook, I can feel my stress levels rising.

Deleting the news app from my phone has also been a really positive thing for me. I worry far too much and so not really knowing what’s going on in the world has actually been a real relief. It’s the same with scare stories on Facebook – I don’t miss them at all. I don’t miss lots of things about Facebook and Instagram.

I had hoped that not seeing gorgeous Instagram fitness models would make me feel better about myself but I don’t. Unfortunately having to work more has meant I’ve had very little time to look after myself or exercise, so I feel pretty shit. I’ve also really missed certain friends on Instagram who really inspire me. But I do feel like I’ve had to dig deep and solve my own problems. I haven’t been able to moan or ask for help, so I’ve just had to crack on.

I don’t quite know where to go from here. I think social media serves a purpose and I probably don’t want to leave it forever. I miss certain people a lot. I don’t miss everyone though I’m afraid. However, I don’t want to prioritise my phone over real people. I don’t want to reach for my phone every time I have a spare second. I don’t want anyone around me to think I’d rather be on my phone than talk to them, I know how crap that makes you feel. I also don’t want to waste precious time that could be spent with my family, running, at the gym, talking to friends and so on. I don’t want to feel constantly connected – I like time where no one knows what I’m doing or how I’m feeling. I also want to set the best example I can for my children.

Social media and mobile phones are without a shadow of a doubt a huge contributing factor to the rise in mental health issues in young (and in my case, not so young) people. Mobile phones are destroying relationships, creating self esteem issues and isolating people without them even realising it. Photoshopped, airbrushed pictures make women (and men) feel insecure and also create unrealistic expectations about what people should look like. If men use Instagram as a measure of what a woman should look like, then how do us real women, with real jobs and children ever hope to measure up?! I have never felt as awful about my own body as I have since joining Instagram.

No, it’s not all bad but I think we have to be so careful about how we use phones and social media. It’s great to be connected to others but most people don’t realise how addicted they are. So many people said to me that they’d love to come off social media but they couldn’t possibly do it. Why not? If you can’t do a month off social media then you have a pretty big addiction.

My next step is to find a way not to disconnect completely but find a healthy balance. I haven’t figured that part out yet but I will. I will because those around me need me to be ok – I need to be there for those I love the most and if my head is in my phone, then I’m not really there.

I’d recommend a month off to everyone. Just to re-set and think about what’s actually important. It doesn’t change your whole life or solve all your problems but it does create a small amount of breathing space. It also makes you see how ridiculous everyone looks glued to their phones. Life is too damned short to prioritise that small screen over those nearest and dearest and over doing things that you love. It really is.

Are we obsessed with self-improvement?

I know I am! I mean really obsessed. I buy self-help books all the time. I read articles about how to be a better mother, better teacher, better wife, better friend, fitter, healthier, how to be a better human being…

But the thing is that I read half a self-help book and then move onto the next one when my life is not immediately wonderful and transformed. I read these articles and instantly feel that I’m a failure as a parent/wife/teacher etc. At a time when we are talking more and more about mental health and there seems to be somewhat of a mental health crisis, I wonder whether this is part of the problem. Those of us that are this way inclined constantly feel inadequate and dissatisfied, like we need to be improved. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a great believer in pushing yourself to be your best and always striving for more. However, I wonder whether we’ve become obsessed with self-improvement to the point that it makes a lot of us feel pretty crappy and useless. I wonder whether sometimes we just need to sit back, take stock and look at what we are good at, or how far we’ve come!

I went to the gym today and after a few weeks of following a programme, I decided to start a new one. This one, I thought, is going to be better. This is the one that is going to change my life. I do this all the time. It’s ridiculous. After doing a few reverse lunges (which I hate), I realised that actually if I just stuck to one thing and saw it through and remained consistent, then I might start to see the results I want.

My latest obsessions have been changing my hair and changing my clothes. I mean if I just looked better then all would be ok, right?! So I’m giving myself a talking to. I’ll always be someone who has to have a plan or some way that I’m working on being better. It’s just who I am. But I really need to also not let these plans take away from the things I’m doing alright at.

And actually the single most important thing I could do for myself and those around me, is the one thing I haven’t improved at – it’s putting down my damn phone. But I’ll save that conversation for another day…

Keeping my head above water.

sea water blue sun — Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Most days I feel like I’m drowning. Drowning in work, kids clubs, packed lunches, to-do lists, chores, more work and so on. Even just now as I just sat down to write this, I checked my work emails just in case I’ve missed something important. I went through them yesterday morning (yesterday was Sunday) so there shouldn’t be much. I had 8 new ones, most of which require some sort of action from me. My heart is doing it’s familiar race. Last year when the chest pain and heart palpitations started I thought I was having a heart attack or that there was something really wrong with me but now I’ve come to expect it. The doctor says it’s anxiety. I know the horrible feeling I get as I open my work emails. The racing heart is familiar to me now and although it annoys me, it no longer scares me when it happens. Of course it should! It really, really should! It is my body going into panic mode over and over again. It shows how often I am seriously stressed and over a longer period of time this will start to do damage. Long term stress increases your risk of heart disease and stroke. It causes chronic inflammation and in women it can cause menopausal symptoms (yep – I can vouch for that one – ugh!). Another scary one that I didn’t know, is that it can increase your chance of developing Alzheimer’s!

I thought it was just me that felt this way and that it happened to me because I am particularly useless at keeping on top of life. But over the past few months, after talking to various people I have come to realise that a large percentage of people live life like this. I thought I was the only one who feels like I’m constantly struggling to keep my head above water, always about to drown. But I’m not. In a way this reassures me because I’m not alone in my struggle to stay on top of everything. I’m not totally useless compared to others. But in a way it really worries and depresses me that this is becoming the norm. I’m watching friends, who I love dearly go through similar struggles and I don’t know how to help them because I have no idea how to help myself.

I’m reading Dr Chatterjee’s ‘The Stress Solution’ and read his first book ‘The Four Pillar Plan’ and it certainly makes a lot of sense. I’m trying hard to use some of the strategies he talks about and some days it helps. The problem I have is that I manage this on the days I’m not at work and on the days I am at work it just all goes out the window. Yes, a morning meditation and routine is a great idea, but on the days I’m dashing to get to work as early as possible to try to stay on top of my increasing workload, it just doesn’t happen. I’m also so utterly exhausted every second of every day at the moment that I feel like I have nothing left for anything else.

My mum sent me an article the other day about how teachers will be encouraged to job share in the future, as the workload gets too much to manage when you’re working full time. I’m supposed to still be part-time. I can honestly say I have no idea how anyone does this job full time anymore. Not a clue. How ridiculous that the workload in a profession gets so much that it’s no longer possible to do it full time!

This blog wasn’t meant to be all doom and gloom! It really wasn’t! It’s actually me trying to set myself some goals and a plan. It was also for anyone else who feels like they are the only one struggling to be good at their job, at being a parent, at keeping their house clean (man I’m shit at this one), at being a good wife/husband, being a good friend/family member and all of the other things that we try to juggle.

Someone told me recently that they didn’t know anyone who spent as much time as me trying to improve themselves. I took it as a compliment but I don’t actually think it was meant as one. I think sometimes we need to cut ourselves some slack and accept that we will drop the ball sometimes. It probably isn’t possible to succeed at everything all the time. But I am going to try some different strategies to see if it is possible to stop the constant feeling of panic. I’m also going to look at why so many of us feel as useless as we do (and I truly believe social media plays a massive part in this). I’ll be totally honest here – the number one cause of my stress is my job. I love teaching but I cannot articulate how stressful I find my job and the workload … and that is a nationwide problem, that is not just me. I can’t solve this one but I can try out some different steps to see if I can improve things.

So the plan for this week is as follows:

Go back to keeping a quick diary. Just jotting down the highs and lows of each day to try to get things out of my head.
Make a schedule and stick to it. Block out time to do things. If I plan to exercise then do it. If I plan to stop working at a certain time then I stop at that time. No. Matter. What.
This one’s for the teachers – marking with the children. Try to mark during lessons with the children as much as possible. Verbal feedback is far more valuable anyway and this reduces mountains of books to mark at the end of the day…hopefully!
Eat the rainbow, or alphabet or whatever. Just eat a shed load of different types of fruit and veg. I’m really interested to see how an improved diet improves stress and energy levels.
Finally, take digital holidays. Have a day a week with no social media and if possible, no phone at all. Limit checking my phone to 4 times a day (no idea how I actually train myself to do this). The amount of time wasted looking at my phone is insane!

So that’s it folks, I’m hoping that by the end of this week I’ll be totally zen. Seriously though, none of the above is rocket science and yet when we get stressed, we stuff our faces with junk food and lose ourselves in social media (oh, or is that just me?!) and it makes us feel like shit. I’m a woman on a mission because, well, I do love a mission.

Why weekends aren’t as great as they should be.

Every Friday night I have this overwhelming sense of relief. I’ve made it through another tough week of teaching, parenting and trying to fit in some workouts. Every Friday I feel optimistic – I’m going to get up and walk the dog, run, go to the gym, get jobs done, clean my house, spend some precious time with my family, sort the garden out, do some DIY, catch up with friends, read, help the kids with their homework, prep the week’s meals…..and on and on and on. Every Friday night I drink. I drink the week away and I drink because woohoo, it’s the weekend!

Then Saturday morning hits me like a slap in the face. Friday night’s euphoria a distant memory and utter exhaustion sets in. During the week I run on adrenaline and caffeine but when I reach the weekend I just grind to a halt. In the cold light of day the DIY seems less appealing and actually I’m pretty knackered so would rather not go for a run, or a dog walk or do anything much. I catch sight of myself in the mirror. When did I start looking so old and worn down? I beat myself up for letting myself go. I snap at the kids who argue constantly. I let them watch too much TV because I want peace and quiet but then I beat myself up for being such a boring and useless mother. I spend ages scrolling on Facebook and Instagram, wondering where other people find the energy to get out and have fun. I beat myself up again for wasting time looking at my phone. My house is a dump, it’s disgusting and I feel overwhelmed so I sit and do nothing. I beat myself up again for being lazy and useless. At least during the week I barely have time to breathe, let alone notice what a mess my house is.

Then Saturday night finally comes around. Woohoo Saturday night! I’m not actually going anywhere but it’s Saturday night so I’ll drink some wine. Sunday is going to be the day I get all my shit done. Sunday I am going to sort my life out. The funny thing is that I’m still knackered on Sunday. I wonder why, I mean it’s the second day of the weekend, I should be fully rejuvenated by now right?! I’m slow to get going. I’m still grumpy but I don’t really know why. I can’t focus my attention to any task so I pretty much do nothing. Panic starts to set in. It’s Sunday and I still haven’t cleaned my house, spent quality time with my family, prepped the week’s meals, made my face look alive and youthful and on and on and on.

I’ve written a plan for next week. I do it every Sunday. I can’t actually fit everything into my week. I never can. My plan fills me with anxiety. It always does.

I’ve not written this to be a miserable cow (although that is what I am at the moment). I’ve written it for anyone else who just hangs on in there through the week, only to find the weekend a struggle too. I’ve written it because posting pics of workouts and dog walks and my gorgeous girls, make it look like my weekends are all sunshine and rainbows. They are not. It’s not because I don’t love my family, or want to get things done. It’s because I have a job that takes everything I have and leaves me with very little energy for anyone or anything else. I don’t know what the solution is (cutting back on the wine is a good start I know) but I’m pretty stubborn and I’m going to find one….