Getting me back.

So tomorrow is the 8th March. The date that’s been on everyone’s lips for a fair while now. The day all children come back to school. Regardless of my anxiety over Covid, I’m actually really looking forward to having my class back in front of me and just getting on with my job. The worry though, is that I won’t just be getting on with my job, because we’ve become obsessed with children now being somehow damaged and so far behind that they’ll be scarred for life. We underestimate children and young people! They are far, far more resilient that we give them credit for. Now don’t get me wrong, there are children who will have had a horrendous time at home. There are children who won’t have done any learning during this time. And there are those who will find this transition a challenging one. Don’t for a second think I’m saying that we shouldn’t recognise all of this and support these children. But there are many, many children who will be just fine. In fact, I predict that the majority will be ok, because they’ve been at home with parents or carers who have done their absolute best. My worry is that we will get so caught up assessing how far behind children are, that we’ll lose sight of what’s important and we’ll push more teachers (and maybe children) to the brink. Say we assess these kids and find they are behind, what difference does it make to our approach? As teachers we’ll still meet them where they’re at and we’ll still teach them to the best of our ability. That’s what we do.

Anyway, that’s my view on it all. On a personal note, the past few weeks have been an insane struggle. I flit between thinking ‘f**k it, I’m doing my best and that’ll have to be enough’ and then totally freaking out because, well, my best doesn’t feel like enough. I’ve had a couple of very dark days. It’s hard to know if it is my job or me, or perhaps a combination of the two. On the day that I was fantasing about having a car accident, just so I could stop everything, I realised that I wasn’t ok. I’d tried to tell a few people I wasn’t ok but the problem is that quite a lot of people are in the same place right now. Plus, I’m quite often not ok these days and I suspect it gets boring for those around me. So I called my doctor the next day and asked for help. She immediately tried to sign me off, which I flatly refused at that point, but talking things through without feeling guilty for burdening someone did help. I don’t know what the next step is for me but I’m talking to her again next week and I’ll go from there.

In the meantime, my strategy is this: Put me first (well kind of – as much as I can). I have to go back to prioritising running, lifting weights, horses, fun, friends, walks, bonfires, star gazing, reading, sleeping and all the other things that make me feel good. I have to do it or I will go under. This is a fact. I’m trying hard to change my mindset but my mood varies enormously from day to day. I suspect that might be to do with being a woman of a certain age, but I’ll save that discussion for another time. I have some bloomin wonderful people in my life, who lift me so well, so I kind of owe it to them to get the old me back, so that I can be a fun person to be around.

So that’s my mission, to get me back. The real me. Not the stressed, tired, grumpy me, who cries all the time and wakes in the night thinking she’s having a heart attack. I may not have picked the best week to decide this, but honestly, it can’t wait. I can’t wait.

Resilience Part 2

landscape photography green grass field beside dark foggy forest during golden hour — Photo by Ivars on Pexels.com

Unfortunately it didn’t take long before I started to crumble. That’s the thing with my job, you think you’re tough enough, but if like me, you’re actually not, it can send you spiralling. Fortunately I can say this now because I’ve saved myself. The great thing is that it is my daily exercise for RED January and Mind that has been my saviour.

The week started well with a productive Monday and good gym session but on Tuesday I woke up with disgusting red patches all over my chin. Impetigo. It’s an occupational hazard. I’m the master of catching disgusting skin conditions and this was not my first impetigo rodeo. But it was incredibly poor timing. So I had to adapt many of my plans and once again think about vain I actually am. I hated facing anyone with my face looking so gross and just wanted to hibernate. On Wednesday I did. I didn’t go to work as it’s incredibly contagious and that’s what I was advised to do. By Wednesday evening I was feeling enormously guilty and it became clear that I was expected to be at work. For someone like me this causes enormous anxiety. I hate missing work and the feeling that people might be cross with me was too much and I struggled to sleep.

So on Thursday I went to work with raging PMT, a disgusting crusty red face and very little sleep. It took one person to ask how I was and comment that I looked tired before I cried. I unravel quite quickly and hate that I often show how close to the edge I am. I spent the day hating my job and feeling shaky.

However, by Friday I was starting to care less about my face and was reminded why I do absolutely love my job. We had Art Day all day and I had the most wonderful, relaxing day with my class, who were just awesome. As I ran the Daily Mile with my class, one little boy, who always hold my hand commented that he knew why I was running so slowly. I looked down at my boots and smiled, “Ahh is it because I’m not wearing my trainers today?” I asked. He looked puzzled and replied, “No, it’s because you’re really old!” He couldn’t understand why I laughed out loud but looked very pleased with the reaction he got. Kids are brilliant.

All week I’ve continued with my daily activity. I’m pretty active anyway, but this has been really good for those days when I’m stuck in the classroom and get home late. Having to do something active, even if it’s just a dog walk round the block in the dark, has been a massive de-stressor. Today’s run in the beautiful winter sun after a frosty morning dog walk has really lifted me and I feel (just about) ready to take on the week ahead.

So, resilience….I don’t have enough yet, but I reckon that staying active is the key to a healthy mind, so I’m feeling optimistic

Mind Over Muscle

I went to see Ant Middleton on his ‘Mind Over Muscle’ tour a few months ago, but didn’t have any idea how relevant it would be for me. November has been tough. Really, really tough. It wasn’t one thing in particular but the combination of a variety of things. My job has been incredibly stressful and the pressure felt immense. My youngest child’s behaviour has continued to deteriorate and I’ve just felt at a loss. She’s now been referred to CAMHs (child and adolescent mental health services). Every day is a struggle at the moment. Our house is on the market but hasn’t sold – we’re in limbo and it’s not nice. Other family stuff has weighed on my mind too. I could go on. It just felt like I was sinking in s**t.

I work incredibly hard to remain physically fit but quite frankly this was useless to me because I was not mentally resilient. I drove home one day a few weeks ago and wondered what would happen if I crashed my car. Maybe I’d be injured enough that I wouldn’t have to go to work?! For a split second it seemed appealing. So by the time I got home I knew that I wasn’t ok. I was unravelling. A few days later I went to the doctor with my concerns about my youngest daughter but she saw through me and suggested that perhaps I wasn’t ok. I wasn’t.

Thanks to wonderful people around me and a much needed boost at work, I feel like I’ve turned a corner. But exercise and healthy food have fallen by the wayside. I had so much I wanted to talk about in this blog – funny stuff, not just this. But I’m tired. Really, really tired. So December is my opportunity to get back on the healthy wagon, but that also means looking after my mental wellbeing and not just my physical one. It’s been really apparent that I wasn’t resilient enough or prepared for when things were difficult and actually in the grand scheme of things, I wasn’t dealing with anything awful. It was just the stress of being a teacher and a mother. Those are difficulties I will continue to face, so I need to get mentally tough.

I’m a work in progress but I am also pretty determined when I set my mind to something. It’s so important to me that I set a good example to my children. I cannot crumble because they need me. So I’m rolling up my sleeves ready to take on December!