I’m having a confidence crisis…

At the end of another really hard week, I find myself at a low point. My school has had to close for 10 days to all but the children of critical workers. This is because we now have so many staff members off with Covid. It feels like a waiting game and the question now seems to be ‘when’ not ‘if’ I get Covid. This leaves me in a constant state of anxiety.

On top of that I have come to the realisation that I’m pretty useless at most things and the icing on my very gloomy cake is that I can’t bear to look at myself in the mirror. I realise I’m off to a very negative start with this week’s blog but I’m afraid this is where I am right now.

It’s come to my attention that I work with an incredibly talented bunch of people. There are the creative ones, the artistic ones and the ones that do awesome story voices. There are the super fit ones, the ones that can sing beautifully and the ones that are excellent at maths. I could go on but you get the gist. And then there’s me. I’m pretty useless at all of the above and it’s starting to get to me. I have imposter syndrome. I don’t belong here and I shouldn’t be doing this job.

I’m the PE Coordinator at school and today I filmed myself doing a workout video for school. Not only was it pretty rubbish and probably uninteresting for the kids, I was pained to see my middle aged, white, flabby body leaping around. The truth is I don’t feel qualified to be the person that inspires these kids to workout. There are younger, fitter and far easier on the eye, members who staff who should be doing this and truth be told, I feel a bit of an embarassment.

I’m also epically failing at home. My house is a dump, my husband does the washing and way more of the chores than I do, I’m useless at cooking and my kids are rude, spoilt and not getting their home learning done. I can see the mess around me and the chaos but I’m so damn tired the whole time… or I’m working.

This isn’t meant to be a ‘poor me’ post, but I am not in the best place and I needed to get it down in words. I look in the mirror and don’t recognise the lined face staring back at me. I’ve lost who I thought I was and I’m realising I’m pretty dull. So I’ve got to do something to get my spark back. I can’t suddenly become talented at things that I’m not good at, I do know that, it’s why I’ve always worked so hard. That has to be my thing- my determination. Therefore my challenge is to get out of this negative state of mind and stop myself from spiralling further to a place that scares me. This has to start with taking care of myself because quite frankly, I feel broken. This week I am setting myself just three daily targets. To set more will be overwhelming and unachievable. Here they are:

Drink 2 litres of water a day
Walk 10,000 steps a day
Eat protein and fruit or veg with every meal or snack

None of these are going to make me a better singer or artist but feeling hydrated might stop the sluggishness that has taken over my body. It might make me think twice before reaching for sugar to boost my energy and eventually it might help my liney, blemished skin to sort it’s shit out. Walking will boost my brain and release endorphins to help me conquer this negative funk. I’m also hoping that it’ll burn off some boob fat but that might be wishful thinking! Finally the protein will help to build and repair muscle and keep me feeling full, and the fuit and veg, well… I don’t actually need to explain that one.

I have to do something to take action because feeling this negatively about yourself is a slippery slope that I don’t want my two girls to watch me slide down. So that’s that. Week 1 of self improvement. Bring. It. On.

Resilience

Last week was long and tough. After 2 blissful weeks off, I came crashing back to reality with a bump. We have a new headteacher at work, so we had two days of INSET before the kids came back on Wednesday. I feel reinvigorated and motivated to teach after quite a long time of feeling pretty fed up with it. It doesn’t mean it’s going to get any easier, but the INSET gave me a few little reminders of why I chose to teach.

At home however I felt more at a loss. Both of my children’s teachers have set them the target of practising and learning their times tables. I feel pretty crap that I’m a primary school teacher and have basically failed to teach my kids quite a lot of crucial things. Anyway, this week I set about trying to get them to practise. My goodness what trauma! At one point we sat with both girls wailing at the table that they couldn’t/wouldn’t do it. My eldest (generally calmer) daughter was absolutely hysterical. She just lost her shit totally. Neither really knows their times tables, despite insisting they do and so both just cried every time they couldn’t do it. Which was often.

So all this got me thinking about resilience. We often talk at school about teaching children to be more resilient and I’m becoming increasingly aware that my own children are absolutely not. And they are absolutely not because neither am I! My girls can’t stand to fail, despite me repeatedly saying that that’s how we learn and that failure is actually important. The thing is, I don’t think I’m very good at it either. I’m incredibly over-sensitive and go to pieces when things don’t go my way. Not really the best example to set. So I guess the challenge in our house is to all toughen up a bit, become more resilient.

Another conversation that my husband and I have had after me having more behaviour training at work, was how we handle our youngest daughter. We continue to be very inconsistent in managing her behaviour, despite our expectations being fairly similar. The behaviour training reinforced what I already knew and what I believe in. That remaining calm to diffuse a situation is best. Understanding that the behaviour is usually triggered by something. Rewarding the good and being consistent in expectations and methods. Anyway, we’ve had this conversation many times and probably my hubby will continue to yell and I’ll continue to be seen to be too soft and let her get away with too much. I’d imagine it’ll continue to be a tricky one.

Finally my focus has been on daily activity for RED January. The idea is that you make the effort to get active every day, to raise money and awareness for Mind. Despite a really busy week, I’ve managed dog walks, runs, yoga, the gym and kettlebells every day so far. Not a bad start…we’ll see what this week holds.

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Killer toothache, the start of term, feeling old and big changes ahead.

We’re a few weeks into the start of term and this school year and the holiday feels like a very distant memory. The past month has been overshadowed by chronic toothache and all thoughts of daily fun and exercise went out the window. Each day was a blur of whisky, codeine and anything else I could think of to take away the pain. I finally had root canal yesterday and despite the slightly alarming message that my tooth/gum can take up to a year to heal, I’m feeling unusually optimistic. Even though I feel like I’ve been punched in the face, I definitely don’t have the feeling of wanting to rip my face off anymore, which is nice!

So I have a new class. This was always going to be tough after having my previous bunch for two years. I adored them more than I think I’ve ever adored a class, so not having them has been emotional. It’s crazy I know but that’s how attached us teachers get. I’m trying to suss the new lot out and no doubt they are trying to get the measure of me too. This run up to Christmas with a new class is always a funny time and perhaps not the easiest. I am trying to be much stricter about work/life balance this year though. My plan is to work one of my days off and leave the other for chores. I’m also going to try to only work two evenings a week and not work weekends at all. I’ve managed it so far but the list of tasks to do is growing more quickly than I’m getting through them. However, it’s so nice to actually think about other things at the weekend and not feel the constant guilt that I’m neglecting my own family.

Dealing with the exhaustion of teaching is tough at the moment. I’m desperate to get back into the gym and running but my tooth hasn’t allowed me to get going properly. I do wonder how I ever used to manage it all. A few years ago I never skipped a workout and was in pretty good shape. The last few years have taken their toll and as I approach 40, I’m really starting to feel it. I feel quite determined to change though, and get back on track.

Another cause of the stress and exhaustion is our house going on the market. When people talk about moving being one of the most stressful things you can do, they’re not wrong. I always thought it was the actual moving that was the tricky part but I’m realising that it’s the whole process. Keeping my house in a fit state to be viewed when I have little time, two kids, a dog and a cat is no mean feat. I also think that deep down my gut was telling me that the plan we had in place wasn’t quite the right one. Sometimes it’s really hard to tell exactly what it is that you want. I find it very tricky indeed. I can’t decide what to eat for my next meal, let alone where in the world I want to live. I have found the whole thing overwhelming and have really had to focus on where I see myself in the future. I think we’re finally getting there but that’s a story for another time.

My eldest baby turned 10 this month. I have no idea how that precious, tiny, scrawny little mite has turned into the beautiful, funny, athletic girl she has. She celebrated with a horse riding party and sleepover with her closest friends. I think they all enjoyed it and I even got a little ride, which was much fun. However, we will not be doing a sleepover again any time soon! The point just before midnight that they started wrestling (who knew girls did that?!) was a game changer! I also finally allowed my big girl to have her ears pierced and am coming to terms with the fact that I have a child in double digits now, who will soon be stealing my make up and going out clubbing.

Both of my girls were phenomenal last weekend, running Pretty Muddy to raise money for Cancer Research. I ran with my littlest, who attempted every obstacle and chatted the whole way round. My big girl only went and came in second overall – the first girl to finish. She tore round the course on her own and absolutely smashed it, making me super proud.

I’m currently pondering how to deal with my smallest girl, the angry one. She hit her sister hard this evening, so after wrestling some beloved dress up shoes off her I sent her upstairs. I waited until she was calm to try to talk to her but the moment I tried her blood started to boil. It’s always the way. How do I teach her it’s wrong to tell people to ‘shut up’ or that they are idiots? Am I fighting a losing battle?

So here I am on a Tuesday evening, feeling a bit sick at the prospect of work tomorrow but hopeful for the future. There are big changes to come. I can feel it in my bones.

Why weekends aren’t as great as they should be.

Every Friday night I have this overwhelming sense of relief. I’ve made it through another tough week of teaching, parenting and trying to fit in some workouts. Every Friday I feel optimistic – I’m going to get up and walk the dog, run, go to the gym, get jobs done, clean my house, spend some precious time with my family, sort the garden out, do some DIY, catch up with friends, read, help the kids with their homework, prep the week’s meals…..and on and on and on. Every Friday night I drink. I drink the week away and I drink because woohoo, it’s the weekend!

Then Saturday morning hits me like a slap in the face. Friday night’s euphoria a distant memory and utter exhaustion sets in. During the week I run on adrenaline and caffeine but when I reach the weekend I just grind to a halt. In the cold light of day the DIY seems less appealing and actually I’m pretty knackered so would rather not go for a run, or a dog walk or do anything much. I catch sight of myself in the mirror. When did I start looking so old and worn down? I beat myself up for letting myself go. I snap at the kids who argue constantly. I let them watch too much TV because I want peace and quiet but then I beat myself up for being such a boring and useless mother. I spend ages scrolling on Facebook and Instagram, wondering where other people find the energy to get out and have fun. I beat myself up again for wasting time looking at my phone. My house is a dump, it’s disgusting and I feel overwhelmed so I sit and do nothing. I beat myself up again for being lazy and useless. At least during the week I barely have time to breathe, let alone notice what a mess my house is.

Then Saturday night finally comes around. Woohoo Saturday night! I’m not actually going anywhere but it’s Saturday night so I’ll drink some wine. Sunday is going to be the day I get all my shit done. Sunday I am going to sort my life out. The funny thing is that I’m still knackered on Sunday. I wonder why, I mean it’s the second day of the weekend, I should be fully rejuvenated by now right?! I’m slow to get going. I’m still grumpy but I don’t really know why. I can’t focus my attention to any task so I pretty much do nothing. Panic starts to set in. It’s Sunday and I still haven’t cleaned my house, spent quality time with my family, prepped the week’s meals, made my face look alive and youthful and on and on and on.

I’ve written a plan for next week. I do it every Sunday. I can’t actually fit everything into my week. I never can. My plan fills me with anxiety. It always does.

I’ve not written this to be a miserable cow (although that is what I am at the moment). I’ve written it for anyone else who just hangs on in there through the week, only to find the weekend a struggle too. I’ve written it because posting pics of workouts and dog walks and my gorgeous girls, make it look like my weekends are all sunshine and rainbows. They are not. It’s not because I don’t love my family, or want to get things done. It’s because I have a job that takes everything I have and leaves me with very little energy for anyone or anything else. I don’t know what the solution is (cutting back on the wine is a good start I know) but I’m pretty stubborn and I’m going to find one….

Walking on eggshells!

‘Walking on eggshells’ describes my home life quite accurately. The main reason I wanted to start a blog (other than the fact that I love to waffle on) was the difficulties we have with our youngest daughter. Some of it I wanted to share because it’s quite amusing, some of it because it shows other people with similar struggles that even someone whose job is children, can’t always manage her own child and partly to see if anyone had advice!

My youngest daughter is six years old. She has always been a fairly strong-willed, fiery child but this past year she’s taken it to the next level and it’s been the hardest we’ve faced with her. I’m going to describe a typical day with M:

Usually wakes up in a foul mood, immediately angry and shouting. Demands food instantly. Usually shouts, screams and rejects food that is offered to her. She recently shouted, “I want something unhealthy and you make me eat healthy stuff.” Yesterday morning she asked if she could have squirty cream for breakfast and then flipped out when I refused.
Refuses to get dressed, have hair brushed, clean teeth etc. Every request is met with anger, shouting and hurling herself about.
She tells her sister where to sit on the sofa, taking up most of the room herself and then screaming at E if she encroaches on what she considers to be her space.
Putting socks on can be very traumatic because of the ‘bumps.’ This can provoke a lot of upset and anger.
Putting shoes on is even worse at the moment. She flips out if you don’t do them tight enough and I never, ever can.
She will lash out violently at times and become fairly hysterical at the drop of a hat. She can flip in a second.
Carrying her own school stuff is also something that she refuses to do and will cry and shout when she’s made to.
She goes bonkers at her sister if she touches her car seat, something that E needs to do in order to climb across to her own seat. M will kick and punch her if she gets angry with her.
At school she is generally angelic. Every now and then she has started to show this other side and certainly this year she has had a few more friendship issues, but on the whole she is the model child at school.
Home time – she demands a snack. Sometimes she gets very cross if the snack isn’t good enough or if there is only one thing.
At home the angry, violent behaviour continues and getting her to walk the dog, read or anything else is very tricky.
Bedtime didn’t used to be a problem but these days it increasingly is.

As I read this back to myself I realise this just sounds like I have a very obnoxious little girl, who is allowed to get away with murder. However, it just isn’t that straight forward. Honestly, I don’t entirely know what the deal is. I teach, I know children and I know she has certain traits. But she doesn’t totally fit any description or diagnosis. I do know that she’s genuinely upset when her shoes don’t feel right. I can see that she’s not very happy quite a lot of the time. I also know that she worries about all sorts of things but doesn’t always know how to deal with it. The other night when she clung on to me at bedtime, she wasn’t just messing around, she desperately wanted me to be as close as possible.

I’ve listed many negative things about M because she pushes me to my limit on a daily basis at the moment, but she is incredibly loving and fiercely loyal. She knows her own mind and at times shows great strength and determination. She can be very funny and is such a bright spark.

I am writing all of this now, at what feels like the start of the next chapter for us. In the hope that I can find some ways to make her life and our lives easier. I don’t want to change her but I want to be in a better position to understand her struggles, manage her behaviour and teach her how to treat people with kindness.

So please, if you’re in a similar position, comment away!