So I was done with the blog this time. Definitely done. I have little time and I really struggle with having to hold back and not be totally honest, for fear of what might happen. But you know what? I’m not that great at the moment. I’m not really that ok. And actually saying it here helps. Even if not a single soul reads this, that’s fine, because my hope is that as the words pour out of my head, it might start to take away some of the constant pounding. Or it might stop this horrible racing feeling in my chest, that makes me feel like my heart may just explode (and not in a good way) at any second. So there we go. I’m back.

As a primary school teacher, this week has been one of the hardest on record. It started with me somehow agreeing to become our school’s union rep, despite me really not actually wanting to do it. In some ways I thought I’d be a good person for the job because I stand up for what I believe in and am pretty good at fighting battles for others. But actually this sort of role isn’t good for someone who is pretty anxious, over analyses every conversation and gets too emotionally involved with most things in life. Without going into huge amounts of detail, many teachers wrote to their headteachers saying that they were unprepared to work in full classes in the current situation. I was one of those teachers. I agonised over it for days and realised that I was going to feel guilt regardless of the decision I made. I won’t discuss decisions made by others but I was not alone at all, and that was incredibly reassuring. The decision was made because I don’t want to catch covid. There I said it. I’m scared of catching it. I’m scared that I might be one of the ones who isn’t ok and I have two children who need me. If it wasn’t for them I may well feel quite differently. If I’m honest there have been points where if it wasn’t for my family, I’d wish I wasn’t here some days because I am so overwhelmed by everything. As well as not wanting to catch it myself, I desperately don’t want to pass it on to those around me who may be at risk, particularly my mum. Keeping the families of the children I teach safe was another reason for my decision. The situation in schools was getting out of control and something had to be done. So teachers took action and I’m very proud of my profession for doing so.

After a horrendous weekend agonising over it all, good old BoJo u-turned and closed schools anyway. Super. Except they’re not closed are they?! Schools (rightly so) are open to the children of key workers and for children who are vulnerable. This is absolutely as it should be. Except again, that doesn’t really tell the whole story. Schools are actually open to pretty much anyone who wants their child to be in school. Now I am of course exaggerating a little, but basically under the guidance issued there are many, many people who can now have a school place. This is not just the children where parents have no other option, or children who are at risk if they stay home. It is basically anyone who is struggling. Well I’m pretty sure anyone who had to do the hellish job of home schooling last time, struggled. I am strugging. We all are. But I will not send my children into school, even though they are entitled to a place, because I want schools to remain safe and stay open for those who truly need it. I also want to protect my colleagues. I’m made to feel guilty for saying this, as if I don’t care about the children and their families. This frustrates me enormously because it is precisely that reason I feel this way. I do care. Very much! I want them to be safe, and right now for the vast majority of children and certainly for the rest of our communities, home is the safest place to be.

I say all of this for the millionth time because I was raised to stand up for what I believe in. I don’t accept that if you feel strongly about something, you should just roll over and accept it. Yes I’m opinionated. Yes I’m sometimes wrong. But I would rather voice my opinions and stand up for what I believe to be right, than go to bed every night having kept quiet about things I know are important. It isn’t who I am.

Anyway, I did say on social media that I’d stop my ranting over this because I start to annoy people and I make myself have that heart attack feeling again. So I worked incredibly hard this week to learn how to upload lessons online and give feedback. I made phonecalls to families who needed it and tried to support as best I could. After that, I tried to support my own children with their learning. Yep, working with your own kids is still hellish. I cried every day. Usually more than once.

However, there are positives to be taken from this situation, as there so often are. I feel truly supported by many, many people around me. I feel part of a strong team and unlike so many others right now, I never feel lonely. For this, I am so very grateful. We have been lucky enough to continue looking after the horse we loan, which has brought such joy to my eldest daughter and a welcome escape for me. Again I am reminded of the importance of getting outside and moving your body. It makes me feel strong and alive and it reminds me that there are reasons to keep going.

I haven’t cried at all this weekend. I have still ranted but I have also laughed and stayed up late watching ‘Lucifer,’ drinking red wine and eating bombay mix. I do feel a little broken. My head and chest hurt again now that it’s Sunday. But I am also reminded of all the reasons why I have to keep going and tomorrow I will go into school, paint on a smile and teach those children to the best of my ability. Because after all, they are what’s important and that is what teachers do.